1 down 5 to go

I can truly say I understand why some people wish for death. I have truly never felt worse in my entire life.

Thursday afternoon it started, the vomiting. At first I figured it was because I overdid it with the pizza after chemo but it kept going. I threw up 6 times from 4 pm Thursday to noon Friday. We finally decided that it was time to go to the hospital.

Did you know hospitals have a smell? They do and it's horrible. It's still stuck in my nose.

The triage nurse called me in and asked me why I was there. I started crying as I explained why I was there. I was weak, beaten down, feeling like death warmed over and scared.  And God blessed me with a nurse who was meant to be there for me. She calmed me down, she told me exactly what drug they were going to give me to make me feel better and then she told me I was going to beat this, it was just a bump in the road. She reassured me and made me feel, if even a little bit, stronger.  As it turns out, her mom is fighting cancer too, so she knows.

I was taken right back but waited an awfully long time to see the Dr. But when he came they hooked me up to the IV, got my fluids up and pumped in the miracle drug, Zofran. It was heaven. The nausea was gone.  They decided to keep me overnight though because my white blood cells were up. That is typically a sign of infection but because I've not had any fever they weren't quite sure. I could have gone home but I opted to stay, get the antibiotics and err on the side of caution, as much as I didn't want to be there.

It was a long night. My mom came and stayed with me. She was a rock star, sleeping in a painfully uncomfortable chair beside me all night, in the hospital she least wants to be in. It is the same one my Dad died in. I'm sure it was not an easy night for her but I was so glad to have her there. Sean stayed home with the kids, he needed his sleep to be able to take care of me and the kids today.

I'm still not feeling fabulous. I've thrown up once since I've been home and I'm biding my time until I can take more Zofran (20 more minutes) but I'm keeping a little bit of food down and some fluids so it's a start. I'm a little concerned because my pee is still slightly orange and it should be clear by now but I'm doing the best I can with it. If it's still orange tomorrow I'll call the nurses again.

I'm having a terrible conflict of conscience. I got a call today from Family Channel. Emily and Mary are in the top 3 to win the contest they were in. First prize was a chance to appear in webisode of a show they watch. The follow up email said that they'd have to be in Toronto from Oct 26-29 for taping. With my chemo schedule, this just isn't possible. I emailed the woman back and explained (loosely) that it was not possible and asked that they not be chosen and the grand prize winners.

I really can't believe I did  that. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like this is just one more thing that cancer has taken away from my family and I hate it. I feel guilty and God help me, if Emily ever found out I did that she'd never forgive me. But I don't know how I could disappoint them if they were chosen as the grand prize winners only for me to tell them that they couldn't go. At least this way, they will be saved that.

I hope and pray this gets better. I can't imagine having to go through this 5 more times (it makes me sick thinking about it) but I know I can do it, lots of people do. I just have to be strong and remind myself why I'm doing it. I'm doing it for them, so that I don't have to ever take away their grand prize again. I'm doing it so that I don't have to tell Connor he can only give me cheek kisses. I'm going it because I need to beat this.

For them.