Thursday, January 29, 2009

Everything happens for a reason.

There are two times of year that I find especially hard. This is one of them. There is so much happiness and pain stuffed into such a small period of time that it makes this time of year hard for me.

December 20, 2006 I had my second miscarriage. I was roughly 5 wks along. It was a horrible blow to my system, after the miscarriage in July of that same year, the trouble Sean and I had that almost ended our marriage and then to be uplifted just a bit with a bfp only to start bleeding two days later. Not the Christmas I had hoped for.

Connor was conceived on January 19, 2007. The only shining star moment. It was two years ago tomorrow that I got my bfp and one of the happiest, and scariest moments of my life. I was certain I was doomed to lose yet another baby and would never find happiness again. Obviously that didn't happen. Connor turned out to be many things more than just my son. I think he saved my soul. I found out I was going to have him just 4 days before I would have been due with Violet, the baby I lost at 11 weeks in July. I was dreading February 3rd that year and was prepared to spend the day miserable and wishing for all the things I knew I couldn't have. But facing that day knowing that I had a new baby growing inside of me made it just a little more bearable.
Connor saved my marriage too. With all that we went through the fall before to have it happen all over again in January and February. I had to give him one more chance, if only for the sake of our unborn child. Someone had to think of our kids. I had to think of them. I think had I not been pregnant I would have taken the girls and walked out the door.

Most days I'm glad I didn't. I do still have moments when I wonder if I made a mistake in not leaving but I'm happy now and as I said in my first post, most days Sean's the love of my life and some days my worst enemy.

I truly think, and this might be just a way of helping me deal with all I've been through in the past 2.5 yrs, but I truly think that everything is tied together, losing Violet, the second miscarriage, the trouble in my marriage, having Connor....each thing happened because of the other.
Life isn't always pretty but if you sift through all the rubble you can always find a treasure.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

25 things about me

So I've done this on facebook but when I did it it was only 16 things. 25 might be a bit more challenging.

1. I am a morning person. My cheerfulness fades as the day goes on.

2. When people first meet me they often think I am a snob because I don't talk to them when in fact I am just painfully shy and can't talk to anyone.

3. I am a loyal friend for cross me and I'm done with you.

4. I drink too much coffee.

5. I would rather listen to the radio than watch tv

6. I am a neat freak (which is hard with 3 kids and a daycare)

7. I love to read but find it hard to find things to read that are of interest to me.

8. I've often thought of going back to school but don't know what I'd want to learn about.

9. I am indecisive but often make decisions in haste (usually poor ones at that)

10. I love board games

11. I love the winter but I hate the bitter cold

12. I am NOT a dog person

13. I hate the extra 30 lbs and have finally decided to do something about it.

14. When it comes to friendships its about the quality of them not the quantity. That's why I have so few real life friends.

15. I am terrified of elevators and will take the stairs instead at every given opportunity.

16. I have a hard time leaving the past behind.

17. I am terrified of flying but do not want to miss seeing the world because of it.

18. I would like to go to Africa some day.

19. If it weren't for Fertility Friend and the people I've met there I probably would not have come through this past 2.5 years as well as I did.

20. I would go without tv, phone, radio and books but I could not survive without internet.

21. I hold grudges.

22. I hate my teeth

23. My greatest fear is not being there for my children when they need me - or worse yet, my children never needing me.

24. If I could go back and do it all over again I would. In a minute.

25. I believe in God very strongly and have faith in His choices for me but I need a new religion. Catholicism isn't working out for me. Care to recommend one?

I hate myself sometimes

I belong to a freecycle network online. Actually I belong to several but that's neither here nor there. So when I'm cleaning out the kids toys or old home stuff or the like I often freecycle it. It saves me the trouble of taking it to Value Village or throwing perfectly good (just not usable to us) things out.
One of my most giant pet peeves though is when I offer something, someone emails asking for it and I chose them and then they don't show up. Or they show up three days later then they said so that the stuff is sitting on my porch for a week making my house (and business) look trashy.

I was given (from freecycle) a bunch of cloth diapers. It turned out they didn't fit Connor so I re offered them and an acquaintance asked for them. (So did about 40 other people but I chose here because I know her) She took a week to pick them up and then when she did, she only took the bag of diapers, leaving the bag of liners behind. What the hell am I going to do with 40 trifold liners?

So a friend of mine, Natalie, was selling a playpen. I need another playpen for this coming summer when a new baby starts the daycare. So I told Natalie I would buy it. I made arrangements to go out and pick it up that weekend. The weekend came, sick kids everywhere so I emailed and rescheduled for the next weekend.
The next weekend came and went and I completely forgot. She gave me a gentle slap on the wrist and I promised on my life I'd be there this past Sunday.

With Connor's roseola, my stressful week and all that I totally forgot again and didn't remember until a few minutes ago when I was reading a post of hers on our home daycare message board. Natalie is the sweetest person you'd ever meet and I know she's got the patience of a saint but I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts she's just about had enough of me. I've emailed and begged forgiveness. Probably going to be the last time she offers to sell anything to me.

I've become a no show. Egads!!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Woo Hoo! Down 3 pounds!!

I know, 3 pounds is not a lot to cheer about but it's the best loss I've seen since I lost the 20 on the delivery table. I guess all this rabbit food is paying off.
So I rewarded myself with beer and hot wings and I'm not feeling one bit guilty about it.

Connor has roseolla. Poor little guy. He's covered in a fine little rash. He's a grumpy, bear of a boy and has spent the better part of this weekend in tantrum mode. Thank God Sean was home today. I spent the afternoon hiding in my bed, curled up with my book.

I got involved in a book exchange of sorts. It's actually one of those chain letters deals. I'm quite certain I won't see a book out of it but I'm always wiling to give the benefit of the doubt so I said I'd participate. I got hooked in by one of the girls on Fertility Friend (a whole other blog there....) so I don't know who I'm sending my book to, she's in the States but I guess that's one way of making the world a bit smaller.
So I had decided which book I'd send. It was called Name Withheld. Can't remember the Author offhand. It's about a Dear Abby type of columnist who falls in love with a married man, only she doesn't know he's married until she's head over heals. The guy's wife suspects he's having an affair and decides to write to the Agony Aunt. She and the columnist build a letter writing relationship until they put two and two together and realize their common bond at which time all hell breaks loose. It was a decent book.
I couldn't find it though, I gave a bunch of books that had been read and reread to Value Village. So I dug through the basement and found a few others. I found a book called The Girls by Lori Lansens. I flipped open thinking I'd send that one. I'd not read it but if I don't get on the ball with things when I'm thinking of them I'll never do it. I started reading it while waling up the stairs and by the time I'd reached the living room I had to go back down to get another book. I was hooked on this book. It's a fictional autobiography of one of a set of conjoined twins. It's not the kind of book I'd normally read but I am hooked. Goes to show you that stepping out of your comfort zone is not always a bad thing.

Alright, my beer is calling me now. Nitey nite.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dieting, sickness and all the rest

My life seems to be revolving around two main themes. Self improvement and sick kids.

I've finally bit the bullet and decided to change my eating habits. I hate saying diet because lets face it, diets are so short term and in the long run, while I might enjoy a short time of skinny, in the end I'd still be fat. I'm trying to have more self control and I'm seriously finding this just as hard as when I quit smoking. Temptation is everywhere. I pack the girls lunches for school and it takes all my will to not nip a cheese string for myself. I get the daycare kids a cookie for dessert and have to leave mine (okay, leave my 3) in the bag. And the worst thing I've given up is my evening ritual with Sean. After the kids have all gone to bed we snuggle up on the couch, have a beer or two and munch. We can polish off one of those Oriental Party Platters from M&M's in two nights. Mmmmmm pot stickers......

I'm not giving up beer. No way. I like my beer too much. I've cut down my coffee, drinking so much water I spend a good portion of the day doing my pee pee dance. And I gave up my diet coke.

Of course, the three pieces of pizza I had last night didn't help matters but in my defence Connor was sick and my new eating means I'm cooking two meals (my little rail thin kids need the fat I'm not eating) and well, frankly, who wants to cook when you can be cuddled on the couch with your sick boy.

Self improvement isn't easy and I don't know what has come over me in the last few months. I guess I'm getting older and have decided that I'm not going to feel like shit anymore. My self esteem has taken some serious blows in the past few years and the only person who can pick me up and dust me off is me. So I can wallow in my misery, eat 4 lbs of hors d'oeuvres and die at 55 or I can fix my teeth, lose some weight, enjoy my life and the rest can be damned.

On a slightly different note, we're on day 53 of sick kid watch. I know I shouldn't complain. My kids have had assorted flu's, colds, stomach bugs and the like...there are far worse things that could be happening but holy crap, when does it end? Connor's nasty cough turned into nasty fever last night. This is his first real fever, the first one high enough that I've had to treat with medicine anyway. I would love nothing more than for the world to go away so I can cuddle my boy, attend to his needs and no one else's and make him better.

What a joke it is to call me a SAHM. (okay a WAHM) The only difference I've seen is that my kid can suffer at home with illness rather than at daycare. I still have to work and while my little guy cries for his Mommy to make him better I still have to tend to the needs of all the other kids. I could close the daycare until he's better but lets face reality...if I closed everytime someone was sick I'd have no clients left. I feel ripped off though and I feel like I'm ripping Connor off. I felt this way with Mary too and if I recall it was the reason I went back to work out of the home, thinking it would actually be better for her.

I know better now and while I feel like he's getting ripped off I know in actual fact that while I may not be able to just lounge on the couch and cuddle him all day his mommy is there to pick him up, wipe his tears, hug him and tell him he'll feel better soon.

We'll all feel better soon.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My illness rant

Someone in the family has been sick since the beginning of December. It started with a cold, which progressed to various stomach bugs, snots and fevers. I thought Sean having the flu over the new year holiday would be the end of it. The daycare was closed for the week, no extra kids bringing in germs, Sean off for a few days not bringing in his subway germs.
No such luck. I opened the daycare to a sick baby who passed it on to Connor and for the last week he's been full of snot, not eating, not sleeping and coughing up phlegm balls like nobodies business. Why in the world do people send their kids to daycare when they are that sick? I understand we all have to work and make money but seriously, if you're that sick do you want to be at work? Hells no, so what in the world makes people think their kids want to be at daycare when they are that sick? It just frustrates the shit out of me.
It's not so bad with the older daycare kids. It's not like they're eating the toys so they don't pass germs that way. They're pretty good about covering coughs and catching sneezes and there are some days those poor kids spend more times washing their hands than playing. Oh...and their parents keep them home when they are sick!! Alright so you sense my frustration. Breaking in a new family is always hard...hard for me and hard for them. I don't want to come off as a hard ass, *you're child has a runny nose, keep them home* but I also don't want every illness under the sun being brought in here. We all have to work and just as I can't close for every illness one of my kids has they can't take a day off work when their kids are sick. But there is a limit. My more experienced parents, the ones who's kids have been here a long time are awesome. They seem to know the line at which to keep the kids home and are also pretty understanding when I have to draw the line too and close for the sake of my kids. I know my new families will find this line too, it just takes time. And in the meantime, I just try to grin and bear it.

And through this all I have been the model of good health, not a hint of sniffle, cough or nausea. (okay, not entirely true, I had a couple of really crappy days) But you know what will happen, don't you. I'll get sick as a dog on March 24th - the day I leave for Vegas.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

So here it is, the first entry in the blog. Might not be interesting to anyone but me but here it is none the less. It's all about me, my crazy life and my even crazier family. And it's not always pretty.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. There's me. 35 but most days I feel older. There's hubby Sean, some days the love of my life, some days my worst enemy. It's all good.
Em is 9 going on 16. Mary is 6 and so full of energy we could use her to light up the house. Connor is 15 months and he makes our family complete. There are also two angels looking over us, Violet, who we lost at 11 weeks and our other angel we lost at 5 weeks. I miss the babies I never knew but had I known either one of them I wouldn't have Connor today. There's balance everywhere I guess.

Of course, there's an assorted cast of characters, much like the ones you'd see on Seinfeld or Friends. And they round out my pretty great life.