Backslide

I've been taking stock of my life for the last few days.

I'm going back to work in a week and a half and I've been feeling ugh about it. I've been worrying about what I'm going back to (the clutter and chaos).

I've been thinking a lot about my weight. I'm so unhappy with myself. I've reached yet another weight milestone (not a good one) and while I know the answer is simple - stop eating so damn much - putting that into practice is something else.  I want so desperately to go back to the gym but until my surgery is complete and I've fully healed, I can't. That's still a long way off.

It occurred to me today that I'm feeling this way because I haven't been at work for 4 months. I am bored. I am stagnant. I am wasting away.

I've felt like this before....back when I had chemo. I hated not being at work, not necessarily because I love my job oh so much (I do, but that's not it)   It's because I had a purpose. I had something to do outside of my family.

And here I am again. A backslide.

It occurred to me today that I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. Poor me, I had cancer. Poor me, I had a failed reconstruction surgery. Poor me, I'm fat. Poor me, I'm bored.

But I'm alive.

It then the epiphany came.

I'm alive and I'm wasting my second chance. I'm sitting here on my ever growing ass waiting for things to happen so that I can wait for things to happen.

Well, that has got to change. I read a thing in a magazine the other day that said something like "be grateful you can still move" 

I've been given a second chance and I'm fucking it up in the largest way imaginable. I've wasted the last three years.

Today is a new day. I'm going to waste my life anymore. I'm going to do things. It might not be something big everyday. Maybe I'll cook something new. Maybe I'll take a walk. Maybe I'll get excited about going to work again.

 But no matter what it is, I've got to stop sitting around here watching my second chance pass me by. I got to keep on living - so I need to keep on living.

So what did I do today?

I found something on Pinterest that I liked so I did it.

We've been painting our main floor. We went from a green and a yellow that I loved but have since worn out their welcome to an off white (French Vanilla) I love it. It looks so clean and new. (Of course, with three children it won't look that way for long. Thankfully the walls are pretty washable.

Anyway, now that everything it painted its time to rehang the pictures - the same ones that have been on the walls since we moved in over 12 years ago.

And when I saw this on Pinterest I had to do it. So here it is, my hallway.

The sayings in between the pictures of my kidlets are both from Dr. Seuss.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you!"
and
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird and when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love"

See, I thought about having professional pictures done of the kids and the family all together. I even tried my own, of the kids together and smiling nicely.

That is so not us!

We are that family that bunny ears people in photos. Or makes a face. Or crosses eyes.

And so I celebrated that by taking pictures of my children in their natural state - being themselves. My oldest wrapped up in a blanket staring at her iPhone. My middle one upside down doing an handstand and my little guy making the silliest pose he could think of, that is not at all silly which makes it that much more awesome.

Because that's who they are.

Okay, enough blogging.

Instead of driving to get my little people from school I'm gonna walk.

Because I have to start moving forward.

Last One!

Tomorrow is my last chemo. I hope.

I obviously can't speak for what the future holds. I hope and pray I never, ever have to do chemo again.

The last 18 weeks have really gone pretty fast. The last 6 months have really gone fast. You know when you're anxious for something to happen and it seems like forever before it does. I was anxious for this day to come and it didn't drag on, it's here.

I'll admit, I'm scared as hell. Chemo has been like a little safety net. I can tell myself that I'm okay because I'm having chemo so it's killing any cancer that might have been left. But now chemo is over so what happens now.

Well, for starters, I need to change my diet. Completely. And it's going to be hard. I've been so good about not googling but I'm trying to find information on eating to prevent a recurrence, particularly breast cancer. I saw a book at Chapters specifically for that but it's not being released until July.
So when I google I get a lot of conflicting information. Some say coffee is good, some say it's bad. Some say some red meat is okay, others say not at all. Some say one alcoholic drink a day is okay, others say no. The only thing they all agree on is that artificial sweeteners are not okay. So that will be the first to go for me.

Of course, this means s a few important changes in my diet. The biggest one being my double double will be a 2 milk, no sugar. I think my only saving grace on this is that my taste buds have been shot and for the most part I can't really taste sugar (or salt or garlic)   I'm going to start reading labels and avoiding anything with 'ose' in it. Fructose, glucose, sucrose...you know...the dreaded 'oses'.  I suspect there will be a lot of things I won't be eating anymore.

I'm also going manage my portions better. I bought myself two smaller plate so that when I'm dishing out my dinner I'm forced by the size of my plate to take smaller portions and I'm going to stick to the rule - 1/4 of the plate is protein, 1/4 of the plate is carb and 1/2 the plate is vegetables or fruit.
I did great at dinner, I had two small chicken drumsticks (no skin) a small serving of brown rice and a large salad (with green leaf lettuce - I prefer the darker leaves like romaine over iceberg lettuce but the romaine was no good so I got the leaf lettuce instead. I also put in celery, peppers, clementines, grapes, mango and strawberry and then put about 1tbsp of raspberry vinaigrette dressing on it)

The problem is that I took my steroids before dinner and within an hour I noticed the appetite kicking in and craved something sweet. So I had a piece of chocolate caramel cheese cake. BAD BAD BAD. I felt guilty as soon as I ate it but I guess I'm calling it my one last hurrah. I'm not going to deny myself of little treats entirely but I have to really, really, really put my mind to this. Because this is not something I can fail at. I truly, honestly believe my cancer is largely due to lifestyle and I have to do everything I can to prevent it from happening again.

I also need to exercise and loose some all of this extra weight.  I have to be careful with exercise, partly because of the effects of the chemo on my heart and lungs but also because trauma to my arm could case lymphadema and I already have it slightly. I don't want to aggravate it or make it worse.

I'm going to make an appointment with my oncologist to discuss my exercise, nutrition and a back to work plan.

I guess I'll know more tomorrow about what is going to happen next but for now I'm looking forward to my new Step One

I did another craft a la things I found on Pinterest. I love these and have lots and lots of ideas...which is great because I have 5 boxes of these tiles that are not being used.

They are coasters made from ceramic tiles. I've used modge podge (from here on out I'll be calling it podgy because that's what we've always called it and modge podge sounds stupid...even though that's what it's actually called.) I've podgied some scrapbook papers that were cut just slightly smaller than the tiles, onto the tiles. When that dried I covered them with another layer of podgy. When that dried I sprayed them with two coats of acrylic spray but be warned, this stuff has to be done in a well ventilated area and takes a long time to dry (though I suppose it didn't help that I did them on the porch and it was -5 C outside. The one with the words on it - that is velum that was part of a scrapbooking kit I had.   I put foam pads on the bottom of the tiles to prevent scratching the table. What's the point of putting your drink on a coaster to protect the table if the coaster itself is going to scratch the shit out of your table, right?

Anyhow, here's a look-see at what I made.

I think they're pretty darn nice, don't you?

Timesuck

Now that I've discovered Pinterest I've learned the real meaning of the word Timesuck.

Facebook - sure, it takes a bit of time but if you're like me and avoid the games and apps then really all your doing reading some status updates, posting your own and moving on.

The Pumpkin Patch - well this is only applicable to me and the other PP Moms - but no, it's not really a time suck because there are only about 25 or so of us who are there regularly and since we're all FB friends too, really, it's only the private stuff that goes in the PP.

I don't really surf the internet that much. I read the news, I work on my blog (yeah, my kindergarten blog is in a holding pattern while I organize my basement - can't get to my resources) read a few other blogs, check my email and that's it.

Then I discovered Pinterest. Holy crap, what a timesuck. I just keep finding more and more ideas for just about everything....recipes, crafts, party ideas, things for school, things for home....and I'm becoming a junky.

But the thing is, I'm so freakin' bored that I'm actually putting what I'm finding on Pinterest into action.

For example there is this

Yes,  Ziploc bag of food. You see, I found, on Pinterest a blog in which the writer gives recipes for 'freezer to crockpot' meals.  The long and short of it is you put everything for the meal into the freezer bag and then when you want to eat it, you pop it into the crockpot and 6 hours later Bob's your Uncle.
So since today I was making beef and barley soup in the crockpot I decided to double everything (veggie-wise) and put together the fixin's for chicken vegetable soup. It's got carrot, celery, mushroom, onion, peas, corn, zucchini, green beans, lima beans and turnip (rutabaga to anyone who doesn't come from Newfoundland) It's also got diced up chicken breast and the chicken stock cubes so all I have to do is throw it in the crockpot, add water and I'm done.
Inspired by my awesomeness I decided I would continue the preplanning for the week and make a lasagna. And since I went grocery shopping today and my meet had not yet been frozen I decided to make a meatloaf too. So now, with the addition of the leftover beef and barley soup from this evening my freezer is full of meals ready to go. Yay me!

Then there's this

Another thing I found on Pinterest. Someone had posted a way of making your own canvas pictures. I love convas pictures but they are so expensive. So cheapo me decided to give this a  try. Emily's turned out great but Mary and Connor's -  not so much. They had wrinkles. I think my problem was that I used a light, matte finish everyday photo paper rather than a heavier glossy paper. But the long and short of it is that you get a canvas, any size you want (this one is  5x7 that I got at the dollar store.) Take some modge podge and paint the canvas with it. Lay the photo on top and make sure there are no air bubbles or wrinkles. The paint the top and edges of the photo with more modge podge. Make sure you're painting all in one direction The podgy will dry clear but it will still look nicer if all the 'lines' are going to same way. Once it's dry, voila, you have a photo canvas.

I am going to try these again, with thicker photo paper.

And then there's this.

I've always loved silhouettes and when I saw ones like these on Pinterest I said "hot damn, I'm gonna do that!!" So I did. I'm actually quite happy with these. They came out great. Again, done on canvas and I just painted the 'background' and left their silhouettes white. Emily is not impressed and requested they not be hung in a public part of the house so no one can see them. We compromised and I'm hanging them in the playroom since hardly anyone uses that room.

I still have two more things I'm going to try. One is a set of coasters made from ceramic tiles. and the other thing....well I'm not going to tell right now because if it works out then I think they'd make really nice gifts and I don't want to ruin it because some of the people I'd give it to as a gift read the blog....

It might be a timesuck but I'm not complaining. At least I'm not bored now.