February 3rd

Today was my EDD with Violet.

Today I could have very well be celebrating the 4th birthday of my third child.

I asked Sean last night if he knew what today was. He said "February 3rd" I said yeah, do you know what else? He didn't. It hurt.

The thing is, I don't know why it surprises me or hurts me that he doesn't remember every year. I know it's not as real to him as it was (is) to me. I know that at that time, we were at a bad place together and his focus was not on me or us or another child.

On February 3rd, 2007 - my due date - I had found myself newly pregnant (and I mean very newly as I conceived on January 19th) I was blessed to have a child in my womb when I was mourning the one who wasn't there. It gave me a little peace but having Connor does not replace the child I never got to hold.

Sean asked me if I wanted to do something today to 'remember' but I said no. I said no because I'm the only one who really seems to care about this day - I'm the only one who mourns this day. I will probably do something - for myself. I still have the sleeper I bought when I found out I was pregnant. When I lost the baby I put it in my memory box. It never occurred to me to put it on Connor. It wasn't meant for him.  I find myself looking at the sleeper every now and then and wondering about the baby I didn't have. If it was a boy or girl (I chose the name Violet because that's the birthday flower for February and it's the flower tattoo  I have to represent him/her.) I wonder if she would have been like Emily - quiet and thoughtful or if she would have been like Mary and Connor, busy, loud and inquisitive. I wonder if she would have looked like me or Sean.

I'll have myself a good cry, like I do every February 3rd and then I'll hug my boy and be thankful that I was given the beautiful gift of my rainbow baby. 

Life is a series of trade offs. It's a shitty way to learn to really appreciate the gifts you have but not being able to hold two of my babies gives me a whole different appreciation for the three I get to hug every single day.