Thursday, February 3, 2011

February 3rd

Today was my EDD with Violet.

Today I could have very well be celebrating the 4th birthday of my third child.

I asked Sean last night if he knew what today was. He said "February 3rd" I said yeah, do you know what else? He didn't. It hurt.

The thing is, I don't know why it surprises me or hurts me that he doesn't remember every year. I know it's not as real to him as it was (is) to me. I know that at that time, we were at a bad place together and his focus was not on me or us or another child.

On February 3rd, 2007 - my due date - I had found myself newly pregnant (and I mean very newly as I conceived on January 19th) I was blessed to have a child in my womb when I was mourning the one who wasn't there. It gave me a little peace but having Connor does not replace the child I never got to hold.

Sean asked me if I wanted to do something today to 'remember' but I said no. I said no because I'm the only one who really seems to care about this day - I'm the only one who mourns this day. I will probably do something - for myself. I still have the sleeper I bought when I found out I was pregnant. When I lost the baby I put it in my memory box. It never occurred to me to put it on Connor. It wasn't meant for him.  I find myself looking at the sleeper every now and then and wondering about the baby I didn't have. If it was a boy or girl (I chose the name Violet because that's the birthday flower for February and it's the flower tattoo  I have to represent him/her.) I wonder if she would have been like Emily - quiet and thoughtful or if she would have been like Mary and Connor, busy, loud and inquisitive. I wonder if she would have looked like me or Sean.

I'll have myself a good cry, like I do every February 3rd and then I'll hug my boy and be thankful that I was given the beautiful gift of my rainbow baby. 

Life is a series of trade offs. It's a shitty way to learn to really appreciate the gifts you have but not being able to hold two of my babies gives me a whole different appreciation for the three I get to hug every single day.


  1. Very true... I'll remember Violet with you today and light candles for our babies who were gone too soon. Hugz.

  2. Thanks hun. Our angels are up there playing together.

  3. Many hugs to you! I know there are no words to take away the pain. So I will send a prayer full of love and compassion your way.

  4. Oh, Sweetie, I wish I would have read this sooner. I'll remember Violet today and send you a prayer for peace. Of course, you know that I know what it feels like to not have DH remember an important date! Mine forgot my dad's death date.