Monday, January 27, 2014

Meet the Girls

You thought I was going to put a picture up didn't you? Ha, the jokes on you, these girls are staying covered. This ain't Playboy, yo! 

Seriously though. My surgery was two weeks ago and I'll admit while I'm so happy with my new rack my recovery is taking a lot longer and is a lot rougher than I thought it would be. 

I'm sore, which I expected but I also developed an infection around the drainage tube site. I spiked a fever and started throwing up last weekend and ended up going to the emergency room. I got new antibiotics and it looked like things were improving but now this morning I have a fever again and am really nauseous. 

Add to this insomnia because I am now only taking Tylenol for pain which means my body has to relearn how to sleep without the aide of prescription strength pain killers. 

Oh, and allergies. It would appear that the list of things I'm allergic to it growing because I spent all day yesterday sneezing and snotting.  Nice image isn't it?

But this isn't meant to be a pity party. Because, my friends, my reward for having had my breast cut off and hacked into 100 tiny pieces, going though chemo, radiation and herceptin, losing my hair, gaining 25 lbs, and feeling like I've lost myself is that I now have the boobs of a 20 year old. Well, okay the truth is my reward for going through all that is that I'm here to complain about insomnia and pain and nausea. 

But I've also got a great rack. 

And for that, I'm ecstatic!!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Writers Block

I've been staring at this blank screen for a half an hour. I could just click the red x in the corner of the screen, close the page and not blog but I feel like there's something I need to say. I just don't know what it is yet.

Tomorrow I go for the second part of my breast reconstruction surgery. This is the one in which they take out the expander that was put in in July and replace it with an implant. They will also reduce and give lefty a little lift to make me a little more symmetrical.

This is the final to being normal. As of now I've decided to not have a nipple reconstruction. I don't really see the need. I might change my mind later but for now, I'm good to be a Cyclops.

I'm going to be off work for 9 weeks. I have a very physical job and the muscles I use in it are the very same ones that will be healing. And there's the mental healing as well.

It's estimated that only 10-20% of women in Canada have a reconstruction surgery after mastectomy. I can't speak to other women's choices on this but I did it because I wanted to feel whole again. To look at me with clothes on, when wearing my prosthetic you'd never know I only had one breast. But I knew.

There is nothing I love more than taking my bra off when I get home from work. But to have that lopsided feeling. To not feel comfortable, even in my own house. To not feel comfortable in my own skin.....I hated that. I beat cancer but it was still beating me by tearing down my self esteem.

And my self esteem is at an all time low. I am not losing weight, in fact I'm still gaining. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like me. I want to feel like me again and I'm hoping that finishing the surgery will help me get there.

I remember back when I had the expander put in and I was in severe pain and felt like I was wasting the kids summer and I questioned why I did it. I thought I should have left well enough alone.

I know now that that was just the pain talking and I also know that I feel 100 times better than I did before the surgery. I'm looking forward to wearing a normal bathing suit, one in which my prosthetic doesn't float up over top of my bathing suit. I love that when I buy a shirt I don't have to worry about if it shows cleavage because once again I have cleavage to show! I also can't wait to buy new bras. And because my size will be a bit reduced I should be able to buy some really pretty ones from Victoria's Secret.

And yet I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like part of me lost. But I don't know what.