Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Feeling Blue

I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. I'm sure this phase will pass but it's been a rough few weeks. Losing a breast the day before my birthday was just the start.

Today was Connor's first day of school. We brought him for an hour; a meet and greet of sorts to explore the classroom, find the bathroom (and use it 3 times in 40 minutes) and meet the teacher.

On one hand, I'm really happy that I was able to here for his first day at school. I was here for the girls on their first day and was sad that I was going to miss his.

But on the other hand I have a profound sadness that I wasn't able to be at MY first day of school. Walking around his classroom, looking at things his teacher had done on the bulletin boards and for organizing her class gave me ideas...and a surge of energy - like "Hey what a fantastic idea...I could do that in my class."  Instead someone else is in my class today, teaching my kids and using my desk and I already hate her. I'm sure she's very lovely and quite competent but I hate her for being there instead of me. I'm jealous of all the teachers who get to go back to work this week and I sit here wishing I could be there. I'm angry because for once I was in a place where I was content and happy. I was earning money and not worrying about paying bills. And now I panic thinking about what I'm going to do in December when my EI runs out.

I'm sure these feelings will fade and yes, my priority right now is myself and beating cancer and being well but it still a kick in the stomach to know that I've finally found a job I truly love and someone else is doing it for me.

I really need to give myself a lift soon, this trend of "woe is me" has gone on far too long. I need to snap out of it. But I think, for today anyway, I'll mourn what could have been.