It's been a long day. I went to the chiropractor looking for some relief. My back pain has progressed to the point that it's sciatica, my right foot is numb and the pain shooting down from my back, through my ass and into my ankle is almost unbearable.
Since I still have one drainage tube in and limited mobility (between upper body stiffness from the surgery and my back) the chiropractor couldn't do as much as he wanted to. We started with acupuncture. I wasn't thrilled with the notion of having needles stuck into me, especially in light of my current condition but I figured I'd disclosed everything so if this was not a good idea he wouldn't do it. I gotta say, not fan. I got some weird tingles when some of the needles went in. But, I suppose if it's going to relieve this pain, I'll give it a shot.
So while he's working on me he comes back in and casually mentions to me that breast cancer has a high rate of spread and that often times it will spread to bone. Yeah, great thing to tell me. I said, well, I've had a bone scan and it was all clear so I guess that's not an issue. He back tracks a bit and says "well with the symptoms you describe and the location of you pain, it's XXXXX" (I don't remember what he called it but long story short my hips are rotated and it's pinching a nerve)
Clearly this fine man didn't know who he was talking too...Queen of Overreacting and Blowing Things Out of Proportion. So naturally because he mentioned something that was already a fear of mine it must be so. It doesn't matter that I've already had a bone scan and it was clear. Damn him.
When I left the office I was still walking like I was 105. I was wearing yoga pants and my very old "proud mom" t-shirt. My hair was a wreck, I was sweaty and undoubtedly had a scowl on my face from the pain. I was on the phone checking my messages, waiting to cross the street and a guy drives past, honks and yells "Hey babe, nice ass!" Now I know the "Shwa" is known for it's mullets and women stuck in the 80's but there are some fine women around these parts too....and I can promise you, there are many finer asses out there than mine....but I'm not passing up a compliment. So I gave him a thumbs up and a smile. (though secretly I pitied him because honestly, I looked like shit - he must have a really poor frame of reference if he thought I was fine)
I overdid it getting groceries and came home to lie down. The problem is, I can't find a position that doesn't hurt for more than 5 minutes. After a while it takes it's toll.
This afternoon was a bad one. I'm feeling pain all the time. I have the chiropractors words ringing in my ears, I'm thinking about my Dad and how he seemed to go downhill overnight and I got scared. I wonder if I'm as strong as I think I am. I can handle pain, but not when it's constant and there is no relief in sight. I wonder and worry if I'll ever feel good again. I'm running dangerously low on pain pills and forgot to ask for a new rx when I went to see the surgeon. Now I have to call tomorrow and hope and pray the new surgeon will give me a new rx. Otherwise I'm going to have to bear this pain with over the counter tylenol. That won't do the trick.
Today was an emotional low for me. Pain is draining and it takes all my energy to breath through it - leaving me little for anything else.
I miss playing with the kids. I miss cuddling Connor. He asks for "come up hugs" (picking him up for a hug) and I can't - not because of the surgery but because of my back. I miss being happy and full of energy.
So for today, I will fight back pain. Tomorrow, I will fight cancer.