Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Some Clarification

It would seem that my last post brought a bit of concern and confusion to a few people so I thought I should clarify.

It's not something anyone wants to imagine but think for a second about how you might react if your Dr told you you had the dreaded C word. I imagined it, a long time ago when the Dr told my Dad that he did. I would ponder it at night, when it's dark and quiet and your worst fears take hold. It was a horrible thought. I imagined I'd be a puddle, no good for anything and desperate to make it not true. I imagined I'd walk through the rest of my life like a zombie, not really aware of what was going on around me, numb to anything but the devastating truth.

But when my Dr gave me the news that I had the dreaded C word, it was not at all like that. Sure, I was a puddle and spent a good portion of the next two days crying and going through worst case scenarios in my mind but then I snapped out of it. Because the simple fact of the matter is, I do have cancer but I don't have a  death sentence.

I could, if I really wanted to, curl up in my bed, throw a giant pity party and feel incredibly sorry for myself. I could cry, why me? What did I do to deserve this? It's not fair!! But what good would that do? Would it cure me? Hells no. Would it make me feel better about all this? Quite the opposite. So why waste the energy? Instead, I'm pouring that energy into being positive, accepting that this is what it is, it sucks and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but that I will have surgery, I will have treatments, I will beat cancer and I will get on with my life. Truthfully, I'm more stressed out about my eventual lack of income (so much for being debt free) and about what I'm sure will be a lengthy battle with the insurance company over my health crisis insurance on my mortgage than I am about the cancer.  I'm not overjoyed at the prospect of being sans boobie (though this is not decided yet) and I'm not overjoyed about trying to help a 3 year old understand why Mommy's hair is all gone (he LOVES to play with my hair) but again, these are blips on the screen.  

I am stronger than cancer. It's as simple as that. And when if get weak in the knees I have great family and friends who will pick me up and be my strength for me until I find mine again. But I am not giving up. 

So, on to, what I think is, positive news.

I had my ultrasound today. I had a great tech who didn't turn the screen away like they tend to do during OB ultrasounds so I was able to watch. As best as I can tell the ultrasound picked up a few things (I can't remember if it was 2 or 3) in my right breast - all the measurements she typed in were 2 cm as well as 2 or 3 very large lymph nodes in the right armpit.

On the left, nothing. She didn't mark or measure anything. Now, it was the left that showed things in the MRI that my Dr was more concerned about but since nothing showed up in the ultrasound I don't know if this means I'll be sent for another special MRI or if we're heading right to surgery.  I expect I'll hear from the Dr by next week.

So, that's where we are today.

Ooh, and my back has finally stopped hurting. So I can sit/stand/lay down for longer than 13 seconds without crying in pain. Yay me!

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