I'm feeling better today.
I had to go to the school again today to send my Dr's notes through inter departmental mail and I got a chance to talk to some more co workers.
One in particular is also taking a sick leave this year and we were talking about it all. I was telling her how crappy I'm feeling about not being able to go to work and missing out and while she thinks I'm nuts for loving my job (she's been at it a lot longer than I have) she also gets it. But she said something to me that made a lot of sense.
She was telling me about last year when she was really quite ill and resentful about the idea that she was going to have to use all of her positive energy at work for the kids and that meant that when she was done working there was none left for herself. She said when you're dealing with a serious illness you have to step back, take all the positive energy you have direct it toward yourself. It's your time to be selfish.
I get what she means. She doesn't mean to say screw everyone else, it's all about me but she does mean to not stress myself over what I'm going to be missing this year because frankly, it will all still be there, with or without me so why not take all my positive energy and use it to get better and use it for my family and friends and those that really make my life special. And when I feel better and beat this and get back on my feet, then I can take some of that positive energy and use it at work with the kids.
So for now - I'm moving out of this anger stage, I'm going to be selfish and remember that this is about me and my fight for my life.
And while I might have some days when I feel really bored or missing the camaraderie of work or the mental challenges at work, I can take heart in knowing that A: it will all be there waiting for me when I get better and B: I'll be in snuggled up in my house (maybe even in my jammies) in the dead of February when all those other suckers are freezing that a$$es of on yard duty.
Yeah, a little selfishness never hurts.