I guess I'm at the stage of this journey where I feel anger. Yep, that's about right. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at the world for shitting all over my good thing.
I went to school today to talk with my principal. He was aware of the situation (news travels fast) and though I wanted to speak with him in person I ended up emailing him last week as I knew human resources was going to tell him before I could.
He was super nice (it's the first time we've spoken at length, he's new to my school) and really supportive. Of course, I'm still worried about getting back into my own school when I'm ready to go back to work but my union says this will not be an issue. The joke is, I somewhat expect life to further shit on me. I'll beat cancer and be thrilled to be able to return to work only to find out that the board is sticking me in some school in the west end.
I saw one of the teachers while I was there, a super nice guy who was always very friendly and sweet. I told him I wasn't coming back right away and why and I thought he was going to cry right then and there. It was then that I really felt is - how much I'm going to really miss going to work. I love this job. I finally FINALLY have a job I loved EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. even the shitty ones and now I can't go to it. The last year was a tease. Look here, after 16 years you finally have your dream job - enjoy it because next year you get to watch someone else do it for you.
I came home feeling worse than before I went there. And I have to go back again on Wednesday because I forgot to send something through the inter office mail.
If I thought I could do it, I'd work through all this - just so I didn't lose that connection - to the outside world, to other people, to using my brain, to my coworkers, to my friends, to being a professional. It's ironic that for years I had jobs where the prospect of not working for year would have made me jump for joy and now when I can't work all I want to do is work.
I guess I can add this to the list of reasons why I need to beat this shit - because I have far too much to live for.