Rough start

I came out this morning to give Connor breakfast and check my email. My morning ritual. My dad was on the computer. Not in itself unusual but it was before 7 am and he's not often on the computer that early.

He was clicking the mouse the way the girls do when the computer is running slow and they are impatient. He then started talking to me about not being able to make the "blowees" work. I asked him what a blowee was (he had googled it and was on some page that was mostly gibberish) He picked up Mary's barrette that was beside the computer and said "I think it's this" I said "No Dad, that's a barrette" He said "Oh, well I can't get this game to work"
I explained to him that he wasn't on a game, (he doesn't even play games on the computer) it was just information. So he clicked, clicked, clicked a while more and then closed the window and got off the computer.

It's moments like this that scare me and hurt me. I hate to see him this way. He's confused a lot more often now and it's heartbreaking. He still knows who we are, he still gets a kick out of Connor giving him hugs and joking with the girls.

It's a horrible thing to say but I can't help but wish that it had have been a stroke or heart attack that took his life (we all thought it would be) instead of this.