Monday, January 16, 2012

I've been having a bad week. A bad few weeks really. I'm angry. I'm feeling very sorry for myself and am having the 'why me?' thoughts.

I'm pissed off. We spend our whole lives searching for happiness or fulfillment. We search for joy. I had it. I found it. I was on top of the world and in just a few short months that all got ripped out from under me.

We often say that facing something like this makes you appreciate all that you have and all the little things...and yes it does, but even greater than this, it makes you appreciate what you had because nothing is ever the same afterwards.

I'm certain there is a reason for this because I do truly believe there is a reason for everything but it doesn't make it any easier a pill to swallow.

I would love to have my life back. I'd love to have my hair and my boob back. I'd love to get back to the routine of my life.

I'm tired of doing crafts to keep myself entertained, I'm tired of having a million and one ideas for my classroom and not being able to go to work to do them. I'm tired of stressing about going to work (this is a whole other issue because I'm truly concerned about working with this new teacher) 

I want a do over. I want to take a mulligan. I want my life back.  I'm tired of being positive and chipper and happy and I'm tired of taking this all in stride. 

I'm sure this will all pass and I'll feel better again before long but in the meantime this feeling consumes me and makes me useless. I'm short with the kids, lethargic, disinterested and that's not fair to them.

I'm going to my school tomorrow, in part, to talk to the principal about my coming back to work in April and in the meantime I think I will go in every now and then and get my feet wet. Maybe it will get me excited about something again and get me feeling more normal. Now that chemo is done my immune system will just keep getting stronger so I think it's time.

Something has to get me out of this rut. Something has to help me find my joy again.


  1. Hi Jean. I know exactly how you feel, every point! I too was diagnosed with BC in August 2011. But for me they did chemo first, I had 8 sessions, (every two weeks). I pretty much followed your schedule, my last was on Jan 6th. I too had a chemo right before xmas, Dec 23rd(taxol)and had the pains and aches for xmas day. But for me I found that with each taxol treament (4) the aches were a little less, I guess my body was just getting use to it. Never had to use more than Tylenol/Ibuprofen. My only lingering effect is neuropathy in my fingers and toes. They say it will go away over time, I certainly hope so, it's very annoying. Of course the no hair thing, but I can actually see new hair coming in already. Peach fuzz, but that's better than nothing.

    I will find out on Jan 23rd (consult with surgeon) when my surgury will be and what options I have. Pretty sure it will be a mastectomy by mid Feb. I have already been told I will then have 5 weeks of radiation.

    I have been able to work through out my chemo only taking the day of chemo (Friday) and Mondays off to recoup. Working the remaining of the two week schedule. I am in a office that is very accomodating to me. I can take whatever time I need. Also, being a smaller office than your school I was not exposed to so many germs. Staff were aware of my situation and were told if they were sick to stay home.

    Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are lots of out here that are going thru the same thing. Keep your head up, and take it one day at a time. That's all I can do.

    Anne-Marie (London, Ontario)

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ann-Marie.
      I am truly in awe of anyone who is able to work through treatment, I don't think I could have even if I was allowed to.
      You sound as though you are dealing with it well, I hope you are able to continue to be strong!
      I just keep reminding myself, so many other women have fought this battle and won...I can too!