I've been having a bad week. A bad few weeks really. I'm angry. I'm feeling very sorry for myself and am having the 'why me?' thoughts.
I'm pissed off. We spend our whole lives searching for happiness or fulfillment. We search for joy. I had it. I found it. I was on top of the world and in just a few short months that all got ripped out from under me.
We often say that facing something like this makes you appreciate all that you have and all the little things...and yes it does, but even greater than this, it makes you appreciate what you had because nothing is ever the same afterwards.
I'm certain there is a reason for this because I do truly believe there is a reason for everything but it doesn't make it any easier a pill to swallow.
I would love to have my life back. I'd love to have my hair and my boob back. I'd love to get back to the routine of my life.
I'm tired of doing crafts to keep myself entertained, I'm tired of having a million and one ideas for my classroom and not being able to go to work to do them. I'm tired of stressing about going to work (this is a whole other issue because I'm truly concerned about working with this new teacher)
I want a do over. I want to take a mulligan. I want my life back. I'm tired of being positive and chipper and happy and I'm tired of taking this all in stride.
I'm sure this will all pass and I'll feel better again before long but in the meantime this feeling consumes me and makes me useless. I'm short with the kids, lethargic, disinterested and that's not fair to them.
I'm going to my school tomorrow, in part, to talk to the principal about my coming back to work in April and in the meantime I think I will go in every now and then and get my feet wet. Maybe it will get me excited about something again and get me feeling more normal. Now that chemo is done my immune system will just keep getting stronger so I think it's time.
Something has to get me out of this rut. Something has to help me find my joy again.