Despite the fact that I have said many many times in the past that I was done having kids I always had a small part of me that didn't want to commit to that. I never wanted to make it permanent just in case that yearning for another baby hit.
A couple of weeks ago at my cousins wedding there was the sweetest little two month old baby. She was gorgeous and it gave me that all too familiar ache in my uterus.
This was coupled with so many of the October 2007 mom's being pregnant was giving me urges.
Then it happened. My monthly nightmare was late. In fairness, I don't have the most regular cycle but it's usually only off by about 3 days.
So it was officially late. And then it occurred to me that with the timing of things, I could very well be pregnant.
So I got myself over to the drug store and started the peeing on sticks ritual. All negative and while I mostly believed them, part of me was not convinced. I mean, there was the missing period.
So I braced myself for what could be. We could move the girls to a bedroom downstairs. I would have to delay my daycare centre plans for a few more years. I could still go to school but would probably not last past this semester with the tiredness, work and my kids.
I was happy. Nervous and worried, but happy. I'm a planner, type A, control freak and while an unplanned pregnancy would certainly not be the end of the world, it wouldn't be my first choice.
Aunt Flo showed up though, a week late and with an almighty vengeance and while part of me was sad, I have to admit I was also relieved. Because now I know, without a doubt that I do not want to have any more children. I'm ready to commit to that. I'm ready to enjoy other people's big baby belly's and cuddling other people's newborns and then passing them back to their parents and enjoying the full nights sleep I get with 2 school agers and a great sleeping toddler.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the future of my life and my family (my family of three children). I see what I want to do with myself and when I want to do it. And none of that includes a forth child.
And a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I can finally move to the next chapter of my life.