Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I have my screen saver set to show a slide show of some of my favourite pictures. Yesterday for some reason this picture caught my attention.

It's me and Emily taken in August 2010. I was struck by my hair. I loved my hair at this point, I loved the colour, I loved the style. I loved the time. This would have been right before I started my job. I was carefree, relaxed and happy. I was ignorant.

It made me really sad. I miss that time. It made me scared that I'll never have a time like that again.

I'm mostly nervous. I'm coming to the end of my radiation treatments (only 8 more) and I suspect from that point we have more scans to make sure there is no cancer left. And that is what scares me. I want to be cancer free. I want to be done with this portion of my life and move on to something happier. Something like the picture above.

Yesterday while I was waiting for my radiation I saw a book in the waiting room. The cover said "Please write in my journal"  This book is a journal that someone left there in 2010. She started it for herself and all the other cancer patients, family, friends, doctors, nurses and volunteers to write in, to share their stories and to encourage others.

I read as much as I could while I was waiting. I'll probably add to it today (since my appointment will be longer - I meet my oncologist on Wednesdays)
But it also inspired me to do the same at the other hospital (I get radiation at the R.S McLaughlin Durham Regional Cancer Centre) but I had my chemo and herceptin and Centenary Hospital.) 

So, yesterday I went out and bought a journal and on the first page I explained that I'd seen a similar journal at the radiation clinic and that there were two years worth of stories in there, people feeling uplifted and stronger for having shared their stories and read the stories of others and I wanted to offer the same to the patients at Centenary. Then I wrote my story.

Tomorrow I go for herceptin so I'll leave it in the waiting room and when I go back in 3 weeks for my next herceptin I'll see if anyone else has written in it. I hope so. It was amazing to see how many people were thrilled for the journal at the Durham Cancer centre...I hope this one has the same impact.

I've been feeling down, scared, worried and stressed. I'm hoping this mood changes soon. Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on. 

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