Friday, July 17, 2009


Today is the third anniversary of the day that my life started to fall apart.

Today is the day that three years ago I lost Violet.

It's funny how, for me at least, dates seem to have a lot of significance. For a while many of the special days throughout the year were clouded with bad memories. My life is a calendar of events that, while I'd rather not remember, are probably what has made me the person I am today - and though I'd rather have not dealt with much of what I've dealt with in the last 3 years, I am a truly better and happier person than I was this time in 4 years ago. And many of those negative days are being taken over by happier memories once again.

February 3, 2007 is when Violet was due to be born. And while I mourned the loss of the child I never had I also got to celebrate that day because two days before I had discovered I was pregnant with Connor.

July 1st is when I started to miscarry.
July 17th is when I finally did. It was, up until that point, the worst experience of my life.

I've got all sorts of other dates too. December 22, 2006. I found out I was pregnant again. December 24th I miscarried.
Ironically, December 22nd 1998 is the day I found out I was pregnant with Emily and December 24th is the day I found out that my HCG was doubling (the Dr told me my HCG was not high enough at that point and he feared I was either miscarrying or had an ectopic pregnancy)

My wedding anniversary is in March. It's also when, in 2006, Sean made a decision that changed our lives forever. March 2009 is when we renewed our wedding vows. That small, quiet, intimate (me, Sean, the photographer and the minister) ceremony meant more to me than the real wedding we had in 1998. We'd been through hell and back as a couple and were still able to stand together, united and say that we loved each other. And I know that the vows we spoke in Vegas came from the heart of knowing who the other person really was, good and bad, and what our commitment was going to be to each other and our family. And though I would rather have not experienced some of the things between us in the past few years, I also think I'm pretty damn lucky because I think our relationship has been tested to the limits and we know how strong it is. I don't think every couple can say that.

October 27, 2005 is when I joined Fertility Friend. It's what got me through the difficulty in conceiving, the miscarriages and the fear I felt through my entire pregnancy with Connor.
October 27, 2006 is when my marriage officially hit rock bottom.
October 12, 2007 is when Connor was born and my life started to feel like it was getting back to normal. And this year, October 12 is Thanksgiving Day.
I've got a hell of a lot to be thankful for.

June 21st, 2009 was Father's Day. It was the first day of summer. It was the day I lost my dad.

I could go on and on. For every date that has a bad memory associated with it, I am trying to build new and better memories. There are still a few dates that haven't redeemed themselves yet but I'm sure in time they will.

In the meantime I'll leave you with a video link. I listened to this song a lot over the summer and fall of 2006. It really spoke to me and even now, hearing the song brings back a lot of the emotions of that time. I did feel broken and I didn't feel like I was strong enough. Life has a funny way of proving you wrong though.

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