Thursday, July 5, 2012

30 Things - #6

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6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

You might be surprised by my answer here. It's not cancer. At least, not mine. Mine was hard, no doubt about it. I was terrified beyond words but I had some level of control.

The hardest thing I've ever experienced was watching cancer take my Dad.

No one wants to lose someone they love. And while we do all expect to have to bury our parents, to watch a physical decline from being capable to being dependant on someone is hard. But what was even harder was the mental decline. My Dad had a tumor in his brain and it quickly affected him. I will never forget the morning I found him at the computer clicking the mouse over and over and over and making no sense when he talked to me. It turned out he was trying to figure out how to light his cigarette but couldn't get that thought out. 

My Dad was a smart man. He was quick, witty, intelligent. To see him brought down like that, not able to even formulate enough coherent thought to light a cigarette. That was something that was unbearable to see.

When my Dad was diagnosed we knew it was terminal. There is no control. You can't fix it. You can't change it and all you can hope for is for it to happen quickly. We were blessed with that (if you can find a blessing in that)   But to know there is no hope and to put on a brave face, both for him and for us....there is nothing worse.

It's not something I ever want to go through again and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

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