Sunday, May 29, 2011

Terror

Did you know that Medical Student Syndrome is a real thing? It's when med students start to think they have the very diseases they are learning about. The imagine symptoms.

When I got pregnant with Violet I was new to FF. I had been charting for sometime but did not frequently post on the boards. But I read a lot.  I would read posts from women going through losses - they'd have chemical pregnancies and missed miscarriages and I'd think "wow - I'm so happy that all I'm dealing with is secondary infertility." And then it happened to me. A missed miscarriage. And then a chemical pregnancy.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, as unrealistic as it is to believe, and consciously I know it's not so, I blamed the site. Had I not read about all these things happening all of these other women's losses, it wouldn't have happened to me. Had I remained blissfully unaware of just how miraculous it really is for a pregnancy to sustain and go full term and result in a healthy, live baby all would have been fine and Violet would now be 4 years old.

I know that's not so - but the mind can be a powerful enemy to reason and logic.

And so it goes, I have fallen into the same trap yet again.

I've spent the better part of the past two years focusing my energies on fundraising for cancer research. I eat, sleep and breath the Relay for Life. I think about my Dad often and his short battle and I think about friends and family who have lost their loved ones to longer battles and those who are still fighting.

For the past while I've noticed an unusual feeling under my right armpit. A fullness is the only way I can think to describe it. And the occasional light pain when I squeeze in.  I've felt around there before, not too deeply though.  On Friday night though, I felt deeply. And I found something.

To say that I'm terrified doesn't quite do it justice. And of course, I've assumed to very worst.

It could be nothing. It's very likely nothing. Besides my Dad, there is no one in my biological family who has ever had cancer. And I'm willing to bed dollars for donuts my Dad's cancer was smoking related.

But it doesn't stop the mind from going to the worst possible place.

I went to the clinic on Saturday morning. My Dr is ridiculously busy and the chance of me getting in to see him before Friday is slim. I ain't waiting that long. The Dr felt around but at first couldn't find it. I found it for him.

So, he's set me up to have a mammogram and an ultrasound. I have to make the appointment tomorrow. He wrote "soon" on my requisition. That wasn't reassuring. He's also referring me to a surgeon - I assume to biopsy it.  I'll also be calling my Dr first thing tomorrow to see him asap. I am glad the ball is rolling but I still feel better in the hands of my own Dr.

I try to tell myself it's probably just a cyst (from what I've read it's a good sign that it hurts sometimes) or a swollen lymph node fighting an infection somewhere....but the worst always creeps back in. I feel nauseous, scared, dazed and disconnected. I cry every time the kids are not near me. Because all I can think is the worst. Because historically, when my life is going great something comes along to shit on it. And my life has been going fantastic. Too fantastic.

I don't want to be a reason my family does the Relay for Life.

If you can spare a few, I'd appreciate some prayers. I'd like to be able to post on here with a giant sigh of relief. I'd like to say it was nothing, that I'm suffering from a twisted version of Medical Student Syndrome and that all my fundraising for cancer has gotten to my psyche. I'd like to say nothing major is wrong, just a swollen gland or a benign cyst.

I'd like my life to be fantastic again.

2 comments:

  1. I'll spare you all the positive thought crap-while it's important (very) the truth is waiting to find out if it's nothing or the big something is awful and all the sun shinny happy thoughts don't really help when your in the middle of dealing with super-scary crap. I've been there and have no great things to share except I'm still here to bug you, lol. Cancer in any form, any stage sucks-is scary and life altering. You have lots of prayers-You will get through this-it will be good and so will your life! Really!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I will know more for sure next week, in the meantime, I've seen my own Dr and am optimistic that it's not what I was afraid it was. Thank God!

    ReplyDelete