Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. I dropped my mom off at the hospital yesterday morning. She'd finally come home to sleep and it did her some good. But not long after she called very upset telling me not to bring the girls that evening because my Dad was not doing well. He didn't know why he was in the hospital. Things didn't look or sound good and I sent my brother up to sit with my mom and comfort her. (my brother really is the rock of the family - as strong as we are all trying to be he really is the one person who never wavers. I guess that comes with the territory, being cop he sees all sorts of misery)
But then by lunch she called and said that my dad was much better. They finally got him a room and have figured out his meds to keep the pain at a minimum but not so stoned he doesn't know up from down.

So I brought the girls and Connor to see him last night. I know the girls were scared when they got there. They didn't know what to expect. Connor had a small fit in the elevator (got Mommy's fears I guess) and when we got off on the oncology floor he was screaming so loud I was afraid to go any further for fear of disturbing the patients. Note to self: bring lovey, a drink of milk and maybe even a soother when we visit on Sunday.
I couldn't have asked for a better visit. The girls were so happy to see Papa and Connor was over the moon. He kept saying "Hi Papa!" and hugging him. My dad seemed well and that was great. I think he was pretty happy to see them too. They've already made all kinds of pictures to decorate his walls with.

I don't hold any false hope. I know that despite how good he seemed yesterday that nothing is better than it was the day before but at least the kids were able to see him in a good state, especially right after being told, and at the very least will be able to make a few more good memories with him. I don't think they quite get it yet that Papa will not live very much longer. One of the daycare kids mentioned to Mary this morning that Papa was going to die and Mary said "No he's not, the Dr's are taking very good care of him. They give him needles" The time will come when we'll have to sit with Mary and explain to her that yes, Papa is going to die, but for now I'd rather she get used to Papa being sick and living at the hospital.
My dad gave them both another Webkinz yesterday too. Mary took hers to school today so that if she missed Papa she'd have it to hug.

One of my wonderful online friends gave me a website to look at with books and resources for grieving children. I found a few books that are perfect for our situation and ordered them yesterday. Hopefully they'll be here by Monday. Emily has already told me she wants to join the Rainbows group next fall at school.
We'll get through this - unfortunately millions of families do.