Monday, May 14, 2012

Jealousy and Self Loathing

I've always tried to take the attitude that I should be grateful for the way my life is going because it could be a whole lot worse. There are a lot of people who have it a whole lot worse than I do.

And yet, I find ever now and again I get this pang of jealousy, envy, of other people.

But not for what you might think.

Sure, I'm envious of anyone who has two breasts and no cancer.

But I find I'm envious of people who have an 'easier' cancer. (not to say cancer is easy for anyone by any means)  I'm envious of people who got to keep their breasts. I'm envious of people who handled treatment better than I did. I'm envious of people whose cancer was only stage 1 or 2.

And as I type that I know how completely asinine it is. And I'm sure there are people out there who might be envious of me. Maybe they've lost both breasts. Maybe they've got a stage 4 cancer. Maybe their outlook isn't as good as mine.

I know I have no right to feel envious or jealous of anyone else. I know how lucky I am. I'm having trouble sorting these feelings out.

I'm in a weird place right now. I feel physically good, most of the time. I feel mentally good most of the time. And yet I hate myself.

I blame myself for my cancer. I don't eat right. I didn't get enough exercise. I drank too much.

I vowed to make changes but have I? I eat salad for lunch most days but then tonight, I came home and ate 1/4 of a bag of chips and 2 Oreo cookies. How is that healthy?

I'm self loathing. I'm in a funk. I don't like it. But I don't know how to change it. I don't have the willpower to eat right and each time I see the scale creep up higher I feel worse about myself and eat to cheer myself up. It's a horrible, vicious cycle.

And yet, I know, it could be so much worse.

2 comments:

  1. I TOTALLY get the feeling of jealousy stuff. It makes no sense to wish my kid had a 'better' form of cancer, but I jumped on that bandwagon early on. There is another guy that started chemo the same day he did, and he has only thrown up a couple of times, gets to go do things all the time because his blood counts don't drop, and he has actually gained weight. Sure, I am happy for him and his mom, but that jealousy thing is still there.

    I'm so sorry to read about your funk. Try not to beat yourself up over it. It is just another part of the crazy roller coaster of cancer. I know that doesn't do a thing to make it easier for you, but I just wanted you to know that someone else cares.

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    1. Thanks Charla,
      it's nice to know I'm not as cracked up as I think I am and that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel terrible being jealous because I'd never wish this on anyone, let alone wishing someone had it worse than me. I'd much rather be envious of someone's car or house. lol

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