Saturday, December 31, 2011

Good Bye 2011. You Won't Be Missed.

Not since 2006 have I been so happy as to see a year end. In a perfect world I'd be starting 2012 with a clean bill of health rather than looking forward to my final Docetaxol treatment.

I've spent some time reading my blog, from last year at this time when life was grand, I had a fabulous new job that I loved, everything was coming up roses for me and my life was headed toward perfection.

And then the tone of my blog slowly declined when I started feeling tired all the time (in March/April - which when I think back may have been when all this started) and then when I found the lump in May it all went downhill.  I was about to add, much like my life, but the truth is, I don't think my life really has gone downhill. At least not totally, maybe just down the bunny slopes a bit. Sure I feel run down and tired all the time. Sure I'm scared completely shitless most of the time. Sure there are days that I don't even want to get out of bed.....but I do. I do because of these little people



And this guy....



So I went back and read my goals from last year.   It was interesting to see which ones I accomplished and which I didn't.

1. More patience? Sort of. I still have my moments but cancer has shown me that the little things don't really matter as much as they used to and I tend to not lose it over the silly things as easily. I pick my battles a bit better. I'm also not losing it with Mary as much as I used to.

2.  Better with money? Definitely!! We managed to clear our debt in the spring and while we do have some again it's because of circumstance, not because of careless spending. Once I'm back to work the remaining debt will be easily obliterated.

3.  Reconnect with an old friend. Sort of. We went to dinner twice. It was fun but I think we are at two very different places in life and I'm not entirely sure how we'd be able to rebuild a concrete friendship.  Sometimes people are just too different.

4.  Meeting one of the Pumpkin Patch Moms?  Yep, I got to meet two and it was fabulous! Now more than ever before the PP Mommies have become so important to me. Nothing could have ever prepared me for how supportive they have been to me in the last 6 months. I'm in the process of making a scrapbook to hold all the cards and letters I've received from them.

5.  Getting out of my comfort zone and trying something new? HAHAHA, what a freakin' joke. Yeah, I accomplished that goal because it was thrust upon me without my consent. Personally, I would have been more than happy to try something like sky diving or mountain climbing but I suppose having a body part removed and filling my body with all sorts of toxins counts.  I did make new friends though by branching out and joining a support group.

I guess that means it's time for me to set a whole new batch of goals for 2012.

1. This might be painfully obvious but my first and biggest goal is to beat cancer. I want to be a survivor. And not just this year but every year. When we do the Relay for Life in June I want to walk that survivor lap and wear the yellow shirt.  I want to start my cancer free countdown.

2. I'm going to get healthy. Not just cancer free but healthy. I joined the gym last year and I loved it. I'm going to do that again, as soon as I get the okay from the Dr. I'm going to exercise, get fit and eat right. Probably not all the time, let's be honest, but a whole lot more than now. I'm not going to indulge weekly, but maybe once a month. I need to get healthy in order to accomplish my first goal.

3. I'm going to take more pictures. I know I already take a million but I'm going to take more. I have a fabulous lens but I'm still learning how to use it. I'm going to do that this year and have some fabulous shots.

4.  I'm going to make some great memories with my kids this year. I'm not sure what yet, but something that they'll always look back fondly on.

5. I'm going to do something for me. As Mom's we often put our families first, and rightfully so but the events of the past few months have taught me that it's okay to take time for yourself too, to be selfish sometimes and to do things for yourself occasionally.

6.  I'm going to let my family and friends know each and every day that I love and appreciate them.

7.  I will meet another PP Mom. At last count there were over 30 and I've only met 2. I have a lot of hugs to dish out.

8. I will finish writing the book I've been working on.  It might never get read and likely never published but at least it will get written.

Some of those might be lofty goals but I'm sure I can accomplish them. I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm just that stubborn.

So rather than looking back at a year that for large portion of it sucked....I'm going to look forward, to a new life, a healthy life and a happy life.

And to all of you, I wish you a year of happiness, good health and good fortune. And Love.

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