I'm still here

Sorry it's been a while. I've been struggling with my professional life and it's getting to me.

I am not usually a very confident person. I am shy, I don't have very high self esteem most days and often think I'm not very good at very much.
But the one thing I've always been confident in was my abilities as an early childhood educator. I'm good at my job. I love my job. And I do suffer from burn out every now and then but something always happens to lift me back up and give me a renewed sense of purpose in my field. At the moment that is my goal to open a centre of my own. So school is my driving force (well, that and to pay off my windows so that I can have the money to open a daycare centre)
I come out of school each week feeling on top of the world, excited and full of ideas.

So let's talk about my job at home. I used to think that one of the perks of being a home daycare provider was that I could be very selective about the children I take. Not that I'm not up for a challenge but lets face it, this job is challenging even with the best of kids so given a child who is a little more demanding, a little more high needs and it adds to the challenge. And working alone means I take the challenge on alone. I'm not always willing to accept the challenge.

Case in point. I currently care for Connor (duh), who, if you're not keeping track is 2 yrs 3 months old. I also care for two 19 month olds. I have three toddlers 3 days a week and the other 2 days I have 2 toddlers. Let's not forget the three older kids, and granted they are at school all day they get home when I am at my most tired from dealing with 3 toddlers all day.
One of the toddlers had a really hard time adjusting to daycare. You've read about him before. He cried. A lot. He didn't sleep well. I was ready to throw in the towel but didn't because A: I needed the money and B: his mom is good friends with another of my daycare mom's and I didn't want to look bad.
So I rose the the challenge and I'm happy to say that 6 months later he is thriving, doing great and adjusted wonderfully. We still have our moments but he is only 19 months old.

I decided to stretch myself and accepted a 13 month old into the fold. After all, both toddler mom's are going on mat leave in a month and while they will still be here on a part time basis, I need to pay the bills. I discovered, before the little one even started, that she was a co sleeper, had never slept in a crib or playpen. Ever. I was pretty straight forward with mom that the little one would have no choice but to sleep in a playpen so it might be best to work with her while she still had the chance.
Fast forward a month and the little one starts and sure enough, she's no more going to sleep in the playpen then I'm going to sprout wings and fly. We went 4 days with this little one not sleeping, except for 15 minute cat naps in the stroller or car. No nap makes baby very cranky. Cranky baby makes it hard to work with 3 other toddlers. Not getting enough attention or needs met in a timely fashion makes 3 toddlers cranky. 3 cranky children 2 and under make me want to blow my brains out and cause me to wonder why I work from home.
So I let the little one go.

Now here's where I struggle. I was not required to give notice as per our contract. However, the decent thing to do would have been to give a week or so notice. I, however, in my emotional haste gave 3 days notice (two of those days being weekends). Needless to say mom was ever so pissed. She threatened to sue me (and I secretly fear she still will but at the end of the day I have a pretty clearly worded policy which she agreed to when she signed her contract). So it's really that I feel like shit for having a menstrual moment and making decisions based on my frustration rather than my brain.

I'm actually known for this and am aware of this problem I have and try to talk myself down when I know I am being hasty but this time, it just didn't work.

So now I'm out $700 a month. I while I'm not sorry she's gone I'm sorry I wasn't more 'human' about it.

On a positive note, the little guy I worked so hard with....he was supposed to be leaving in the spring when his family moves but his mom has decided to keep him here because of how happy he is (and they are) here.
And as I approach the 6 year mark of one of the kids being in my care, I guess I can take heart in knowing that I must be doing something right. Maybe, despite my sometimes hormonal decisions, I really am good at this job after all.