Saturday, May 18, 2013

Hoping and Praying....

It's that time of year when I start to get a little nervous and tense.

Tomorrow will be the third anniversary of my Dad's diagnosis.

In 11 days it will be the 2nd anniversary of when I discovered my own yet-to-be-diagnosed cancer.

I am due for my yearly mammogram next month but there is a problem.

You see, here in Ontario there are three different types of mammography machines. One type, the computed radiography machine, is not as accurate and has been known to 'miss' small cancers. These machines are now being replaced throughout the province (76 of them in total) with a better machine that will not miss these small cancers.  Here's the rub.....the place I have my mammogram done has one of those machines that needs to be replaced. If it weren't for the fact that I'd had several ultrasounds and two breast MRI's and the mastectomy I'd be in one hell of a panic over this thinking this machine missed my cancer last time and that's why it wasn't found....
but the simple fact is, if it had been detectable they would have found it with the MRI's or the dissection of my breast. A small part of me worries though about my mammogram from last year.

Getting back to the matter at hand....I'm not inclined to have a mammogram on this craptastic machine that might miss a small cancer in my left breast. I'd rather have it on a different machine. So my options are....wait for them to replace the machine in July or have my mammo somewhere else.

I'm opting for somewhere else. My sense of urgency on making sure my boobs are boob is healthy is not allowing my mind to reconcile with waiting a full extra month. I want my boob squished on schedule please.   But I can't reach my Dr to tell him to book me in somewhere else. Frustrating.

And then there's the interview.

Interview? you ask, What interview?

Last month I went to a job fair for my local school board. I dropped off my resume when I went in, sat for an hour listening to them telling me about the job I've already done for the past 3 years and then left deciding I wasn't going to pursue the job further. I didn't want to go through the trouble of getting my reference letters, getting another reference letter from my priest (it's a Catholic board) and getting my criminal reference check done again (pricey $$) Because I didn't have the required paperwork in with my resume I assumed that was the end of it.

Not so.

I got an email two days ago inviting me for an interview, despite not having submitted any of the other paperwork.

Now I'm going to be the first person to admit that I often think to myself (and complain to my family and friends) that I'm not 100% happy in my current job. Don't get me wrong - the job itself, I LOVE. I am totally committed to my role and the kids and it still is my dream job. However, for the past 2 years (well, since I went back to work in April 2012) I have been stressed out with my work environment, unhappy about the situation I am in and I know there will be no changes to that situation for at least 4 years.

Quite frankly, I don't know if I can handle 4 more years in the environment I'm in. The stress is taking a toll on my well being.

Cancer changes you and where it was a total leap outside of my comfort zone to even take this job in the first place - it is even more out of my comfort zone to leave it. But I'm no longer the person who sits around letting the what if's scare me.  I have an opportunity to work closer to home (little or no commute? Yes please!) Perhaps (if the stars all align) even at my kids school.....dare to dream......

So next Friday, with the blessing of my principal (and a glowing letter of recommendation!) I will go to my interview and hope for the best.

I am confident that I will be offered a job - mainly because I do the very same job with my current school board. I know my stuff. I am confident in my abilities as an Early Childhood Educator and I'm bringing a kick ass portfolio. So I'm hoping and praying they'll offer me at the kids' school....

imagine the luxury of being able to walk to work.......

I'll keep you posted!





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