Unnamed Post

I don't like posting without a title but sometimes my posts are a bit jumpy and I can't think of a fitting title. This would be a good example.

I spoke with my Uncle last night and got some advice. My Uncle lost his first wife to breast cancer some 10 years ago and I wanted some advice on how to tell the kids about what was going on. My younger cousin was about Emily's age when her mom passed away.

He gave me some great advice on how to handle it but one thing in particular that he said really made sense and reaffirmed what I've been trying to do all along. He said, don't let it become the dominant part of life. Make it just another one of those things. So, for example, you go to work, you pick up your dry cleaning, you go for chemo. Make it part of your routine and then it won't be such a big deal to them. And live your life.

So far, despite them not actually knowing, that's what I've been trying to do with all the Dr's appointments and tests, just make it a thing I have to do before we go do something fun.

It also helped me make a decision. I've decided I'm taking a week off from cancer when we go to the trailer. I'm going to tell the surgeon to not book me any appointments or the surgery for that week unless it is of an urgent/critical nature. And I'm guessing that since, while things are moving quickly, they are not moving at lightning speed my 'taking a week off' will not have any serious consequences. The fact of the matter is, when we really start rolling with surgery, chemo and radiation, as much as I will strive to keep things normal, it's going to be a 'new normal' so I'd like to have this one last relaxed fun time with my family before I tell the kids what's happening.

Moving on...
we're trading in our van soon. The lease is up in September. I'm hoping we can lease something new but there is a bit of body damage, some minor dents from when I hit my brothers van a few years ago. From what I've read they are small enough to count as 'normal wear' so I'm hoping we won't have to worry about that. I don't particularly want to buy it out, I don't like it but if we have to...we have to. I don't know what I want in it's place though. I'll leave that to Sean. Frankly, I'd be happy with a small car like his but let's face it, his little pocket rocket is not conducive to shuttling around three growing kids.

I can't believe in just 4 short weeks Connor will be starting kindergarten. I was thinking about it last night, especially his bathroom obsession. I don't know how they work it in his school. He doesn't have a bathroom in his class (most kindergarten classes do) so I'm wondering how this will work. I picture my little guy asking to go to the bathroom and then getting lost in the school. 
I know, realistically, this won't happen but it's one of those things I think about. I'm sure his teacher will either get incredibly irritated by his constant bathroom visits or call to ask if there is a chance he's diabetic. He's not, he just has a thing for bathrooms. 

Today, in fact, I got to visit the men's washroom at the park. Connor had to pee (not really) and the women's washroom was closed for cleaning. A man heard me tell him it was closed and offered to guard the door while I took him into the men's washroom to pee. It was nice of him and Connor was overjoyed to pee in the urinal. He was less than impressed that I wouldn't let him stick around to watch the urinal finish flushing. 

I've been thinking a lot about karma. I'd made a comment to Sean and to a friend that I felt like I brought this on myself. I know it's ridiculous but my thinking was that with my constant thought about the Relay and raising money for cancer for the past two years that maybe I made it manifest itself in me. Again, I know how ridiculous that sounds out loud  but when trying to make sense of why this is happening it's crossed my mind.

Anyway, my friend, who has an incredible knack  for making me look at things in a different light, said that obviously that was a ridiculous thing to think BUT that maybe all that fundraising and dedication was building up some good karma for me for this fight.   I really love that way of thinking.

I do believe in karma, not just because I really need to now (not like atheists who finally acknowledge a higher power on their death beds) but because I always have. You reap what you sow. I've tried to be a good person. I don't deliberately do unkind things and the times when I might be have been less than kind or honest I've felt guilty as hell about it and tried to make it right.  I'm hoping some good karma is coming my way (or more importantly that I haven't already used it all up!)

Finally, I've always been a big Alanis Morrisette fan and I was listening to her this morning. I've always loved the song "Ironic" and in particular this line

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right.
Yeah, life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's going wrong and everything blows up in your face."

It really describes my life.

Two Steps Back, One Step Forward

I'm starting to wonder if my surgeon reads my blog. Or perhaps my mind. Or perhaps the oncologist called her and gave her a 'what for' for my (and his) obviously being out of the loop.  Regardless the reason she called me yesterday with a plan of action.

She did say at the moment she was more concerned with what showed in the left breast (interesting since the lymph nodes were in the right) So, I have to have an ultrasound (she eluded to it being on Monday and said her secretary would call me with the details - she didn't so I hope the diagnostic imagining department of the hospital does call with the details) Anyhow, the hope is that they can see the lumps described in the MRI through the u/s and if they can they will try to biopsy them right then and there. If not, I'll have to have a specialized MRI in which they attempt to biopsy them during the MRI (apparently not all hospitals have this capability so I suspect I'll be going downtown - though I hope with the new cancer centre here that maybe they'll have it)

She did elude to the idea that if the needle biopsy is not possible that there could be more surgery - which could possible include a full mastectomy. And it is entirely possible that they could do said mastectomy and not actually find any cancer in the removed breast. Not exactly the desired outcome but I have the utmost confidence that they are doing all they can to prevent that. I think mastectomy to find the cancer is last resort.

She also said the results of the bone scan were good. I said, well good, I guess I'm taking this as a good sign that it's so hard to find and maybe we caught it really really early. She shut right down and said "Well, let's just do what we need to do."

I know she's not in the business of giving false hope but throw me a fricken bone here woman!

I'm keeping that good thought anyway. Screw her.

And so, this roller coaster continues.

And as a little side note, I decided to clean up my blog a bit. It was a little too busy. So now you'll see fancy tabs at the top to visit our Relay for Life page and the Papa's Pride blog plus another page for my Etsy Store. The links to the blogs I follow and the past posts are at the bottom now.

Much less cluttered. Great for the anti horder in me.