Monday, March 11, 2013


I smoked my first cigarette at the ripe old age of 10. Yeah, you read that right. My brother stole some cigarettes from my parents and we went behind the convenience store and smoked it. (I didn't inhale - wait...didn't Clinton say that about pot?) 

Anyway - I eventually became a smoker and for 10 years I was a pack a day smoker. It wasn't until Mary was about a year and a half old that I finally decided it was time to really knuckle down and try to quite.

It was hard, I won't lie and I needed a lot of help, both from the patch and my family. But I did it. And 10 years later I feel better. The Canadian Lung Association says that my risk of dying of lung cancer is cut in half. My risk of stroke is the same as a non smoker and in 5 more years my risk of dying of a heart attack is the same as someone who never smoked.

I tried to quit smoking at least 7 times before I was successful and no matter how much Sean pressured me and no matter what graphic images the government put on the cigarette packages - I didn't quit until I was good and ready. I had to want it and I had to want it bad because it wasn't easy. It was hard.

I think the same can be said for weight loss.

How many posts have I written about losing weight, getting healthy, etc. A lot.

Will this be another one of those posts? Maybe - I guess only time will tell -  but I'm hoping it won't be.

I'm tired of being fat. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm could pretty it up and say I'm 'fluffy' or carrying some extra weight or have some love handles or residual weight from chemo.....

the simple fact is I am fat. Maybe in a small part because of the steroids from chemo but mostly because I eat too much of the wrong things. Portion control is an issue for me and while I could do something like Jenny Craig I think that's counter productive. Eventually I'll eat my own food again and if I don't learn to portion my food properly that weight will pile back on again.

This isn't about denying myself of the things I love like chicken wings or cookies. It's about eating a couple of chicken wings instead of a pound or one cookie after dinner instead of 3 after dinner and 2 after work and one before bed. 

I'm tired of saying I'm going to get myself back in shape (I used to be hot - I used to go rollerblading with Sean wearing a bikini top and daisy dukes and I used to look GOOD doing it!) I know I'll never have that body again - I've since had three kids but I can have some 40 year old mom of three version of that body.

Yesterday was day one. I'm going to start tracking what I eat - if I write it down I will be more accountable for what's going in my mouth.

I'm going to start exercising - and that doesn't mean only going to the gym once a week when I'm not too tired after work.

I downloaded a Couch to 5k app and yesterday was day 1. I did it. It kicked my ass but I did it. I'm hurting a bit today but I did it. And I think tomorrow will be a little bit easier.

I still have my gym membership for another couple of months so I'll keep going to do my weights on the days that I'm not doing the running.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to be successful this time. When I quit smoking it was because I was tired of the stress of smoking - it was more trouble than it was worth and I wasn't feeling good about myself.

I don't feel good about myself now. I weigh 25 lbs more than I did when I gave birth to Connor and that is unacceptable.  I want to do something about that. Now.

I can do it....I know I can. I just have to want it bad enough.

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