A Better Day

Yesterday was a bad day.  I woke up with a headache that hung around all day. I had myself a pity party and while I tried to keep my game face on for the kids, it was hard. I had a couple of meltdowns in the bathroom.  Thankfully I can brush off red eyes as allergies.

I got a call yesterday with an appointment for another CT Scan on Tuesday morning. Here's the catch. It's at 8:30 at another hospital, in another city. The hospital I am doing all this with is in a network with another hospital. So I have to have a CT Scan at the hospital in Ajax at 8:30 (factor in an hour for the drink crap plus whatever other wait time there may be) then I have to drive like a crazy person to get from there to the hospital in Scarborough for my MRI by 12:15. I actually dreamt about this last night, my stress being how I'm going to get that done. I'm going to tell the CT tech that I'm on a time crunch and hopefully I'll get through quicker. I was a little unnerved about why I have to have another CT Scan, this is news to me  but I'll just have to wait until I see my Dr. I guess I'm happy this is going as quickly as it is but it's frustrating.
Part of the problem is that I'm in limbo. I don't know what's happening and I don't have a plan of action. I am a control freak so this is a bit of a problem to me. I'm a planner and yet I can't really plan past the day I'm in. I'm truly forced to live for today, which is all well and good but I have kids who want to know when we're going to Wonderland. I have a vacation booked with my family that I don't know if I'll be able to go on.  I have a job that I don't know if I'll be able to go back to right away.

That brings me to my next dilemma. I'm sure I'm going to have to take a leave of absence but for how long? And because my union doesn't have a collective agreement in place, how much job security/protection will I have? I'm sure they won't fire me but I want to be able to get back into the same school and that might not be possible. I'll have to speak with my union about that.

And then there's Sean's job. His bosses have been fantastic with giving him time off but he's not getting paid for those days off. Eventually that will catch up with us. I think it's probably in both of our best interests for him to take a stress leave from work. That way he can be available for me and the kids without fear of losing all that money - stress leave would be paid.  But the problem with this is that he needs a note from our family Dr (not a problem per se) but getting in to see our Dr is difficult on the best of days. I'm going to call on Tuesday and explain the situation and try to get him an emergency appointment.

And then there's my mom. She is giving up her Red Hat's to be home to take care of the kids for me. The magnitude of this is not lost on me. She loves the Red Hat's. She loved the social life. She loved the connection to people her age, she loved having something fun to do - finally! It seems like my mom's life has been a series of 'taking care of' 's.  Raising kids. Taking care of my Dad. Taking care of my Grandma. Now taking care of me and the kids. It's not fair to her and yet I am so very grateful that she is doing it without my even having to ask.  I truly hope that I will be as good a mother to my kids. And I truly hope none of my kids ever has to go through this.

Today is a better day. It's hard to not think of it constantly and right now I dream of a time (though I can't imagine one) in which I won't think of this  as often. Sometimes days will go by. Much like everything else I've faced in my life; the year from hell (though I think 2006 has officially been toppled as the year from hell...I'm thinking 2011 will be getting that honour) losing Violet and our Christmas baby, almost losing my marriage, losing my Dad.....the pain of those times subsides and though I never forget I don't live, breathe and eat them anymore. I'm sure one day, the same will be said for this.

Cancer will not define me. It is but a small pit stop in my life. Some of them are good pit stops....lovely rest stations with cold water, clean bathrooms and nice parks for the kids to run their steam off in. Others are shitty little holes that you are sure to not sit on the toilet, you want to sanitize the bottom of your shoes before getting back into the car and you wish you'd kept on driving. 

But for now - I'm going to have to put up with this pit stop, make the best of it and look forward to the day when I watch it disappear in the rear view mirror.

Some friends came over the other night. My friends were having some flyers printed for us for our Relay for Life team. My mom and I were going to use them to bring around the businesses for fundraising - getting donations for goods and services. The flyers are gorgeous and I'm going to use them but I thought about how ironic it was that eventually I'll have to change them. The Relay is no longer just about my Dad. And on June 1, 2012 I'll be walking the survivor lap with my yellow shirt.

Yep, today is a better day.  I feel good, I feel strong and I feel happy.

I will beat this. I have to. I have too much to live for.

So Silly

My mom told me about a friend of hers, a breast cancer survivor, who for the few weeks before she has to go in for her bi annual testing starts feeling every single ache and pain and twinge and worrying her cancer is back.

At the moment I'm feeling every single ache and pain and twinge and worrying that is where the cancer is.

My lower back is killing me. So that must be where the cancer is. Never mind that I've had chronic back since Emily was born.

I have pain in my sinus. So that must be were the cancer is. Never mind that I've suffered from seasonal allergies for two years and they've only just recently cleared up for the season.

I have a headache. So that must be where the cancer is. Never mind that I'm under the worst stress of my life.

I've noticed that when I turn my head from side to side and up and down that I hear a creaking/popping sound in my neck. Never mind that that could be from my headache or it could be that it's always been there and I'm just noticing it now because much like when you are pregnant after a loss and notice E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I am noticing everything now too.

I'm covered in bruises. So it must be leukemia. Never mind that I've been jabbed with endless needles for the past month and Connor kicked me right on the shin bone with a really hard shoe.

And the sillier part, I'm afraid to take anything to feel better. I have a headache. I have a cupboard full of Advil and my mom has Tylenol. And I know if I took one I'd feel better but I'm afraid to put anything in my body now for fear of making the unknown worse.

I'm scared and I'm frustrated. I just want to know for sure where it is, how bad it is and how I'm going to beat it.

I will beat this. I have to. I have too much to live for.