So Silly

My mom told me about a friend of hers, a breast cancer survivor, who for the few weeks before she has to go in for her bi annual testing starts feeling every single ache and pain and twinge and worrying her cancer is back.

At the moment I'm feeling every single ache and pain and twinge and worrying that is where the cancer is.

My lower back is killing me. So that must be where the cancer is. Never mind that I've had chronic back since Emily was born.

I have pain in my sinus. So that must be were the cancer is. Never mind that I've suffered from seasonal allergies for two years and they've only just recently cleared up for the season.

I have a headache. So that must be where the cancer is. Never mind that I'm under the worst stress of my life.

I've noticed that when I turn my head from side to side and up and down that I hear a creaking/popping sound in my neck. Never mind that that could be from my headache or it could be that it's always been there and I'm just noticing it now because much like when you are pregnant after a loss and notice E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I am noticing everything now too.

I'm covered in bruises. So it must be leukemia. Never mind that I've been jabbed with endless needles for the past month and Connor kicked me right on the shin bone with a really hard shoe.

And the sillier part, I'm afraid to take anything to feel better. I have a headache. I have a cupboard full of Advil and my mom has Tylenol. And I know if I took one I'd feel better but I'm afraid to put anything in my body now for fear of making the unknown worse.

I'm scared and I'm frustrated. I just want to know for sure where it is, how bad it is and how I'm going to beat it.

I will beat this. I have to. I have too much to live for.