Day 1

I went for my bone scan today. I was glad to hear I wouldn't be injected with more of that horrible stuff from the CT Scan but equally unhappy to hear I'd be injected instead with radioactive stuff. It is, after all, nuclear medicine.

My Aunt (my Dad's sister) came with me. Sean had to go back to work and with my mom watching the kids, well, I know I have lots of family and friends who would come and sit with me but it was really nice, especially for the first one to have someone offer and for it to be someone older. Silly, I know but at a time like this you really just want your Mommy and since mine is filling in in other capacities....

So when we got there they injected me with the 'stuff' (it's a tracer, it sticks to your bones so they can see things like arthritis, broken bones that are repairing, and yes, cancer.) They are basically looking to see if it's spread to the bones. The technician/nurse/Doctor (I don't know what she was!) told me I had to be back in two hours but I didn't have to hang around the hospital so my Aunt and I went to breakfast. It was nice to be distracted and to not have to do all that waiting in the hospital. Interestingly enough, the lady who injected me, she read my paperwork and said "okay, so you've been diagnosed with Breast Cancer."  Now, I don't know how she came to that conclusion, perhaps that's my unofficial official diagnosis. At any rate, I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, I would think it's good - it means that perhaps it's small and that's why it didn't show in the mammogram. On the other hand, I still worry about the fact that it's already made it to the lymph nodes. But - all these tests will give me the answers. Soon I hope.

When we got back I ran into the surgeon. She told me she was pushing for the MRI soon and by the time I was on my way home her office was calling with an appointment for that. It's on Tuesday.  I'm glad, it's getting underway. Hopefully this means that by the end of next week we'll have a clear picture of what I'm facing and how I'm going to fight it.

The bone scan was a lot less unnerving than the CT Scan. I still had to lay very still and the machine came right to my nose but since I'm not claustrophobic it was okay. I was more worried about moving - I didn't want to mess up the test.

So we move forward. I'm looking forward to a full three days of no Dr's visits. It's a long weekend here so I'm off the hook until Tuesday when I go for the MRI. I'm hoping to take the kids to Canada's Wonderland next week. Emily has been begging. She asked me today why I've got so many Dr's appointments. I told her that I might have to have more surgery to get more lumps out so they are doing more tests. It's not a lie, just not the entire truth. I don't think she needs to know any more than that right now.  I don't want her to worry.

I keep thinking about the week of August 22. We're supposed to take the kids to the trailer in Port Colbourne. It's pre paid. We've been so excited about going. I don't want to lose that week. Obviously it's going to be played by ear but if it means I have to drive back to the city one or two of those days....I don't want Sean and the kids to miss that week. We'll see. Fingers crossed!

I know several of you have called me. I haven't been picking up the phone. Please don't take it personally. I've been letting Sean answer when he's up to it but right now I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. Truthfully, I can't talk about it yet without crying. I'm not ignoring your calls and for those who are leaving messages, thank you, I am getting them. I will answer the phone again soon, but for right now I'm still trying to process all of this for myself and for Sean and the kids. Please be patient and don't look at my lack of communication as my wanting you to go away. I don't, I just need to get into the acceptance stage of all of this first. It's still so surreal.

I will beat this. I have to. I have too much to live for.