Cheated

Blah. That's about how I feel today. Tired. Down. Blah.

My nurse came yesterday (she only comes once every three days instead of daily since I'm such an outstanding patient) She took off the steri strips and one of my drainage tubes. So now I'm full on scar and only one drainage tube left. I think this one will be another week at least though, it's still has quite a bit of drainage to it.

The scar isn't too bad, it's long and once it's properly healed I'll use something like Mederma to try and lessen the scar's look. Not that I'm that vain, and frankly, besides Sean, who's looking at my chest anyway?

I'm a little depressed these days though, as we get back into the 'back to school' mind set. I'm not going back to school in a week and I'm upset and sad and jealous. I don't want someone else teaching my class. I don't want to have to go back in April and try and fit into the routine, I don't want to adapt. I want to develop the routine, I want to have my class from the beginning. Despite the concerns I had for this coming year I was looking forward to it and was excited for year two. And now - well...I get to go to endless appointments, feel like shit 80% of the time, worry about staying strong and beating this crap, losing my hair, adapting to life less one body part, have no money, feel useless because A, I'm not earning any money and B, I can't work.

I finally had everything in my life in place, my perfect family, my perfect job, my debt freedom. I was happy. I was content. I didn't want anything more than what I had. And I fully appreciated everything I had....it wasn't like I took it all for granted. I had to work hard to have a good marriage. I had to work hard to have my kids, I had to work hard to get my perfect job and I had to work hard to remain debt free. 

But life has a way of pissing all over the goodness.

I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better. But for today, I feel nothing but cheated.