A New Me.

I'm sure I offered a money back guarantee in my last post...but only if this post wasn't interesting. Well folks, get ready to be interested.....

School has been in for going on 5 weeks now and I've got to say this is by far the best year I've had. I don't want to jinx it - it is still early and we've got 9 more months of it to go but my class this year is amazing, even with a few kids who need that little extra love. My partner and I are working like a well oiled machine, which for those of you who are keeping track will know, is huge.

You see, I've done some soul searching since my last ramble. I've not been happy with the person I was becoming. I found it incredibly strange that I was a happier person when I was fighting cancer than I was just a few weeks ago, perfectly healthy. How can that be? How was I happier when I was hairless, in pain, addicted to Percocet and scared I wouldn't live?

I don't know. Frankly I have no answer for that question. Maybe it was the Percocet? Maybe it was that my fear that I would not live had me trying my best to really live. Maybe it was because I felt I had a purpose....to fight to live.

And yet, now, I have my dream job, my perfect children, my amazing husband, a supportive family and good health and a new boob and yet I'm a miserable sucky bitch. I felt sorry for myself because my 40th birthday came and went without much ado. I was really looking forward to my 40th. A HUGE milestone in my eyes, not just because it was 40 but because I made it to 40. For a while I wasn't sure I would. But it went by, almost like any other day. I had a small get together a week later with my brothers and in-laws but timing was off and finding a date in which everyone I love could come was hard. I think it's still a bit of a sore spot with me.

But one day I just decided to change my attitude. I'm not going to bitch and complain about the shitty aspects of my job, I'm going to embrace the challenges of it. I'm not going to think about what cancer took from me, I'm going to think about what it gave me. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because my ass continues to spread, I'm going to get off the fat thing, go back to the gym and try to lose this fucking weight.

I feel lighter now. I feel less stressed. I feel less angry. I am excited about life.

This past July, before my surgery we went to Florida. I can't believe I didn't write about this before.

None of us have ever been there. A friend of ours was so generous in letting us use her timeshare down there so we packed up the van and the kids and we set off on an adventure. We spent 4 days driving, stopping in each State along the way to take pictures, get souvenirs and sleep. And then we spent 7 glorious days in Florida, soaking up the sun, visiting Universal Orlando (the kids weren't interested in going to Disney) going on a swamp boat ride, eating alligator, and I even got to scratch another PP mom off my list of people to hug in real life.

On the way home we stopped in Georgia for a couple of days to visit my Aunt and Uncle and saw went to the Georgia Aquarium.

We went places and did things we've never done before - as a family. We had fun. There was no bickering or complaining. We relaxed....truly relaxed for the first time in 2 years.

When I'm starting to feel the stresses of my life piling up on me I think about that trip, about sitting out on the balcony at night, listening to the strange bird noises and frogs. I think about how much I loved our after dinner swims. I think about how exciting the swamp boat ride was and how beautiful the scenery was. And how free I felt.

And then I remember - there is no reason I shouldn't feel like that Every. Single. Day.

And so, the new me is here. Now don't go thinking I'm going to be all rainbows and lollipops. There will be no unicorns flying out of my ass but I know what's important. And it's time to be happy.

And just for those of you who aren't friends of mine on FB....here's some of my more favorite pics from our trip to Florida.


This was the view from the dock leading to the swamp boat tour. We did ours with a company called Wild Florida Airboats. They were AMAZING and if you're going to Orlando I highly recommend them.

This was scenic lookout in Virginia (or possibly West Virginia - I don't remember which)

This was at the Georgia Aquarium.

This was also at the swamp boat place. I loved the cypress trees.

Not a bad pic for an iPhone huh? It's that scenic lookout again.

Hi Folks

Miss me? Nah, I knew you didn't.

How strange that now that I'm back to work I have more time to blog than I did when I wasn't working. Go figure.

Except that I have less thing to blog about.

I deleted my kindergarten blog. I was really enjoying it there for a while but then it started feeling like the only reason I was blogging was to sell my 'products'. And the most ironic part of all of it was that most of the things I made to sell to other educators, I never used in the classroom myself. It's just not part of how we teach in kindergarten here. But things are quite different in a lot of other places and a lot of the things I created sold like hot cakes. (they still do)

I started my kindergarten blog to share my love of all things kindergarten and of the adventures we have but it didn't feel right anymore. It felt like work and I felt like I was competing with the other kindergarten blogs out there and that just isn't me. So I said screw it.  And now I feel liberated.

Which brings me to this blog.

It's kind of lost it's way, hasn't it? For quite a while now.  I don't know what I want this blog to be anymore. It's not about cancer. I'm cancer free. It's not about my job (though I'm sure occasionally I'll regale you with stories from the Kindergarten front.  It's not really about me either. I used to love this blog and now I'm struggling to find it's voice again.

See, I've discovered something about myself. I don't really know who I am anymore. And that's because I don't really know how I feel about, well, anything anymore. Some days I want to hide in my room all day and never come out. Some days I want to break down and cry because of everything I've been through over the past two years - and I sometimes feel like I haven't really dealt with it. And sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and can do no wrong. Life is great. I am great.

I'm 40 now. Have I mentioned that?

I don't stress about aging. That's one of the 'perks' of cancer. You celebrate these milestone birthdays rather than running away from them. The truth of the matter is, I never did run away from birthdays, even before cancer. I don't worry about getting older. I will never lie about my age. I own it. I'm proud of it. I wear it like a badge of honour. You can't change it so why worry about it? Embrace it!

I'm rambling, I know. Next time I blog I promise it will be much more interesting. I'll even give you a money back guarantee. Of course, you'll need to send me some money first......