I Will Be Strong

I'd like to apologize in advance. I know I said I was going to try to bring my blog up a bit and be more upbeat but I'm just not feeling it today. In fact, I feel really very down.

I'm mad at myself for it too. I should feel on top of the world (relatively speaking) since this is the first treatment I've had that I didn't have my head in a plastic bowl barfing my guts out for days on end. (which FYI will be promptly destroyed after my last chemo, I never want to see that horrific fucking bowl again)

I do, however, still have the horrible mouth watering, constipation because of the steroids, heartburn that actually feels like I'm having a heart attack (for you worriers, I spoke with my nurse and she assured me, it was NOT a heart attack) Add to this the nagging pain in my back, not my sciatica though, it's new, a knot in my spine that I've felt for some time but is not aggravated by the constant sitting and lying down I do. And of course, I've convinced myself that it's in fact cancer in my bone (despite having already had a bone scan)

A while back I googled the recipe for Applebees "Fiesta Lime Chicken".  It's my favorite thing there but the recipe I found is so much tastier. So I made it for dinner last night. But my heartburn kept me from enjoying it and truth be told the highlight of the meal was the tortilla chips because they calmed the mouth watering. Tonight, Sean ordered pizza for the kids.

Remember my issues with ice? Well, apparently I have the same issue with pizza, only not just any pizza - I love those McCain International Thin Crust Canadian pizza's, but I have an issue with Pizza Pizza specifically. See, because that was my first post chemo meal.....

the smell in the kitchen of the pizza almost sent me over the edge. This is my first day with no anti nausea meds. I'm just holding it together.  

I've been thinking a lot, as you well know, about going back to work and volunteering until then and I'm coming to realize this is not the best idea. It's a pipe dream. I can't put my health at risk like that to spend even part of the day with 30 kids, during the height of flu season with a weakened immune system.  It's just not good math.

So, I'm putting that little fantasy to rest and I'm feeling pretty shitty about that too.

We went to the mall today to get out of the house and I was looking at all the Christmas dresses in the windows and thinking, "Hmm, that's nice, can't wear it. That's nice, can't wear it." You see, I had cleavage once. I could wear a dress that showed cleavage. What is the singular of cleavage? Anyone know? Cleav? What it all adds up to is I have to wear a dress like Michelle Duggar because cleavage is a thing of my past. And frankly, I'm not pleased about it. I liked my cleavage and I liked not having to pick a shirt or dress based on whether or not my prosthetic bra was going to show through or I was going to have one obvious cleav and one non existent cleav....

We stopped at Bath and Body works and stocked up on holiday soaps. The problem is that my post chemo heightened sense of smell has every little smell making me gag. I can't stand the smell of my bathroom at all and you know why? Because it smells clean. Seriously, the soap, the moist wipes for Connor's tush, the clean smell of a clean bathroom....it makes me want to hurl.

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm having myself a little pity party. I know I'm entitled to but I hate feeling this way nonetheless. I'm a positive person, I always have been so to feel so defeated...well it blows. I can't recall the last time I felt truly good, without feeling physically ill or sore or tired or mentally drained or afraid. I long to feel normal again and I just don't know when that is ever going to happen. And I hate it.

I got a call from the Dr's office today. He's filled out the forms for a charity group that donates time at a cottage for families affected by cancer (specifically for those in recovery) I heard about it from my support group and thought it might be something I'd try to get into for the kids for next summer. I'll be done treatment (God willing!) and if they select us and they have the week Sean is on vacation available then the family can enjoy a week at a cottage up north. Payback for everything they've sacrificed.

I'm sure in a couple of days, when the effects of this round of chemo have dissipated more I'll feel a bit better but for today I'm angry and sad and mournful and hurt. I'm defeated.

Tomorrow, I will be strong.