Discouraged

Incredibly discouraged.

I'll start from the beginning but my head it swirling so it might be a bit jumpy.

I found out on Monday that the teacher I was going to be working with decided to retire. I'm happy for her (truly, I am, I saw her today and we talked and I am happy for her)

On Thursday I met the teacher I will be working with.

I came out feeling more apprehensive than I did before. I didn't feel the 'click' I did with the other teacher but hoped I was just looking to hard for it.

So, the conversation went something like this.

Me: So are you planning to go into the school again tomorrow?
Her: I don't know. I ordered some things. If I get them I will, if not I won't. I was in there on Wednesday and got the room set up.
Me: Oh, great!

Later on.

Me: If you decide you're going to go in tomorrow please call me and let me know, I'd like to get into the classroom with you before Tuesday just to see what we've got to work with (let's remember, she's also new to this school...just hired on Tuesday
Her: Oh, that would be wonderful.

We then discuss her plans for this morning and agree to meet at 11 am at the school.

So 11:10 I get to the school (yes, I was late and yes, this is totally not in character but I did that on purpose, I wanted her to get there before me)
But she was not there.

So I spoke for a bit with the other teacher as well as the one who I would have worked with had she not decided to retire.

And then I went to my class.

Now, if you read above, my teaching partner said she'd set the room up. I'm gonna lay it out there. It was not set up. It was a mess. There was no rhyme or reason to anything on the shelves. The furniture was not set up. The walls were bare. There were no name tags on the cubbies.

So I talked with the other teacher for a bit. I said, I'm not sure if I should go ahead and start. I don't want to step on toes but there is a lot of work to be done in here.
She said, well, maybe you need to take control.



This is my struggle. I am a self proclaimed control freak. I would have no problem going into that classroom, spending 4 hours and having it set up beautifully. But here's the thing. I am but one player in a team of 2. And my teammate was no where to be found. I'm also treading on new territory. I don't want to step on toes but I also think this reflects on me. I CAN do it, the question is SHOULD I? And though I've never had the "If I'm not getting paid for it I'm not doing it" attitude, the simple fact is, I'm not paid to be there this week. This doesn't seem to fall under what is considered my responsibility.

So, I put names on the cubbies. I tidied a couple of the basins. I talked to Sean on the phone and texted the other ECE from my school. And in the end I spent 2 hours in the classroom waiting for the other teacher to come. Looking at what we had (and more importantly what we DIDN'T have) making mental notes of what I should bring in on Tuesday. I admired the other kindergarten class and will admit I'm horribly jealous of my fellow ECE because her classroom is all set up and gorgeous. So I left and I cried all the way home. And I'm left spending this last weekend before school starts wondering what the hell I'm going to face on Tuesday morning.

In an ideal world I'll go in on Tuesday and see the teacher has been there and has it all organized and set up. (In a perfect world she would have shown up today and we could have done it together)

I need to push this from my mind because I'm already feeling those pangs of regret. I'm worried. No, I'm scared out of my freakin' mind now because it seems to have fallen apart before my eyes.

I'm going to go in early on Tuesday morning. I'm going to hope for the best but if I show up and it's like it was when I left.......I just don't know.

Why me? Everytime something good happens to me something comes along and shits all over it. I was so excited. And now I'm completely discouraged.