Tough Questions

Emily asked me the other day if Papa had quit smoking. Wow. I don't even know how to address that.
She's learned from us and from school what the dangers of smoking are. She doesn't remember when I smoked, I quit 5 years ago this month. But she does know that I worked hard to quit so I would be healthy for her and Mary (and Connor)

So when she asked me it took me by surprise. I told her right out that he hadn't. I can't lie, she will at some point see him smoke. The explaining why is the tough part. Explaining addiction to a 9 year old is no simple task. Or explaining that he certainly can't do any more damage to his lungs. I ended up saying that yes he did still smoke and it was just too difficult to explain why in a way she'd understand.
And part of me is terrified that she'll be angry at him for smoking (past and present) Because those are not the feelings I want her to have about him at the end.

I wish those books I ordered would come soon.

We've been given a bit of home that my dad will be able to come home after his radiation treatments are done. (later this week I think) I'm nervous about it. I'm nervous because I'm terrified he's going to fall down the stairs (I would be so much more at ease if he'd just live upstairs but I don't think he will) I'm also nervous about his health. Obviously with the two school aged kids, Sean working in germ central and the daycare there are a lot of random illnesses coming into our house. I can't do anything about the girls. School is still in for another month. Sean washes like a madman when he gets home from work. I've changed my daycare sick policy for the time being, not even allowing kids to come with a common cold, but I still worry.
But I also know that being home will do so much for his spirit and mental well being, as well as ours.


Now in a different direction. I was chatting with a friend about my blog (well, emailing one of my online friends) and had mentioned that while this blog has only been around since January that this is in fact my 7th blog. (Nancy, remember some of the others??!! LOL) I seem to be a bit of a serial blogger. I start them and within a month or so I get bored and stop. And then a few months later want to start again but rather than pick up where I left off I delete the old blog and start a new one. I kind of regret deleting them, I've discovered (especially around the year from hell) that I had a lot of foresight in my life that I didn't realize until hindsight set in (if that makes any sense at all) I would like now to go back and see my state of mind and life back then. But, you know how it goes, done bun can't be undone. I think I realized though, that despite the blog written in the year from hell (the only one that lasted more than 4 or 5 posts) I never really had anything relevant to say. How sad is that?! I suppose a lot of it was random nothingness trying to disguise itself as meaningful (which this may be as well, I guess we'll see in a year or so) but the feeling is different this time. I told my friend I was too lazy to put paper to pen when I can type much faster. So the therapy of journaling has turned into my blog.
Here's the catch. I have readers now. In the past I think besides Nancy no one has read my blogs. Now I have readers because I found it easier to update my dad's progress through the blog than to email individuals and clog my message boards with OT posts. And these readers all come from different areas of my life. I have family. I also have friends both in person ones and my online ones. And I think this is what keeps me honest. In the past I'd write but wouldn't pay much attention because I knew only Nancy read it and we'd get a chuckle. But it's different, kind of liberating.

Anyhow. I think this will be the last of the serial blogs....this ones a keeper. I'm finding it therapeutic. It relaxes me and prepares me for the day because I get all this off my chest so that I can focus on the little people and the future, rather than dwelling on what I can't change.