There are two times of year that I find especially hard. This is one of them. There is so much happiness and pain stuffed into such a small period of time that it makes this time of year hard for me.
December 20, 2006 I had my second miscarriage. I was roughly 5 wks along. It was a horrible blow to my system, after the miscarriage in July of that same year, the trouble Sean and I had that almost ended our marriage and then to be uplifted just a bit with a bfp only to start bleeding two days later. Not the Christmas I had hoped for.
Connor was conceived on January 19, 2007. The only shining star moment. It was two years ago tomorrow that I got my bfp and one of the happiest, and scariest moments of my life. I was certain I was doomed to lose yet another baby and would never find happiness again. Obviously that didn't happen. Connor turned out to be many things more than just my son. I think he saved my soul. I found out I was going to have him just 4 days before I would have been due with Violet, the baby I lost at 11 weeks in July. I was dreading February 3rd that year and was prepared to spend the day miserable and wishing for all the things I knew I couldn't have. But facing that day knowing that I had a new baby growing inside of me made it just a little more bearable.
Connor saved my marriage too. With all that we went through the fall before to have it happen all over again in January and February. I had to give him one more chance, if only for the sake of our unborn child. Someone had to think of our kids. I had to think of them. I think had I not been pregnant I would have taken the girls and walked out the door.
Most days I'm glad I didn't. I do still have moments when I wonder if I made a mistake in not leaving but I'm happy now and as I said in my first post, most days Sean's the love of my life and some days my worst enemy.
I truly think, and this might be just a way of helping me deal with all I've been through in the past 2.5 yrs, but I truly think that everything is tied together, losing Violet, the second miscarriage, the trouble in my marriage, having Connor....each thing happened because of the other.
Life isn't always pretty but if you sift through all the rubble you can always find a treasure.
OK, here's complete irony for ya. The miscarriage I had on Oct. of 2006 ended on Nora's due date in 2007, which she was born on...completely understand the everything happens for a reason. I asked God for a sign, I guess he gave us one.
ReplyDeleteHe most certainly did.
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